42. Israel’s recent history
My note on Derek Prince’s summation:
Zechariah 12:10 b “They will
look on me, the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for him as one
mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for him as one grieves for a
firstborn son.” [How can they not see
the meaning of this today?]
In the nineteenth century, Christians were the first Zionists.
c 1919 The League of Nations gave Britain the Mandate to provide a
National Home for the Jews.
1921 Sir Winston Churchill, as Foreign Secretary, with one stroke, gave
Trans Jordan 75% of the land originally allocated to Israel. Jews were not permitted to enter, but Arabs
were given freedom to be in Israel.
1948 After the Second World War, the United Nations appointed National Statehood
to Israel, allocating now, only 12% of the original gift of land. The UK Government, under Prime Minister
Attlee, did everything in their power to frustrate this happening. Derek Prince, newly released from the British
Army, was living there, still with access to military information.
The British Empire collapsed – beware of being against Israel!
43. Is the Old Testament
all bloodshed and sword, and the New Testament all sweetness and light?
People often see the great anger of God in the OT: populations of cities
and armies wiped out, and nations sent into exile
(Joshua 6:21 They devoted the city to the LORD and destroyed with the sword every living thing in
it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.
2Kings 25:19 Of those still in the
city, he took the officer in charge of the fighting men and five royal advisers.
He also took the secretary who was chief officer in charge of conscripting the
people of the land and sixty of his men who were found in the city.
2Ki 25:20 Nebuzaradan the commander
took them all and brought them to the king of Babylon at Riblah.
2Ki 25:21 There at Riblah, in the
land of Hamath, the king had them executed.
So Judah went into
captivity, away from her land.).
But there is much mercy and
grace in the OT
(Psalm 103:2 Praise the LORD,
O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
Ps 103:3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
Ps 103:4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
Ps 103:5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is
renewed like the eagle’s.
Ps 51:1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing
love;
according to your great
compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Ps 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like
scarlet,
they shall be as white as
snow;
though they are red as
crimson,
they shall be like wool.)
Although the New Testament
is mainly taken up with salvation, mercy, and grace, we do see the overwhelming
wrath of a righteously angry God.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and
only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
2Thessalonians 1:8 He will punish those who
do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus.
2Th 1:9 They will be punished with
everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the
majesty of his power
2Th 1:10 on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy
people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes
you, because you believed our testimony to you
Revelation 15:1 I saw in heaven another great and marvelous sign:
seven angels with the seven last plagues—last, because with them God’s wrath is
completed.
“Woe” in Jesus’s usage,
meant “disaster”. God is a God of Love,
but He loves not only People, but also Justice.
JOKES 2010ff
Along with material and aphorisms from
earlier
Series One
Children
are a constant source of humour.
I was
explaining the death of John the Baptizer to a lower ability class, which I
enjoyed teaching.
"Herodius's
daughter is traditionally known as Salome."
"Sir
they named a sausage after her."
"Please
Miss, she was looking during prayers." "How did you know, if
you had your eyes closed?" "I heard her looking."
Essay on
your home: We have mating on our kitchen floor.
Essay on
your best holiday: Every time I pass water, I think of the Lake District.
Factual:
Emmanuel Church, Wimbledon, had two members stand outside the exits at a local
cinema (a Church Warden and a student), to handout leaflets explaining the
meaning of the film “you have just seen” -
“The Passion of the Christ”. One
of them went round to the other to say that all his leaflets had gone: “But the
film is not over – you have given them to people who have seen “Scooby- Do 2”!
Will
there be people in Heaven following the showing of “Scooby-Do 2”?
Factual:
I arrived in church recently to find a note (a blue envelope, in fact)
addressed to me, pinned to the notice board.
It contained my offering for the previous week: my Trolley Token!
An
eminent Church Leader, in the early days of his marriage (the January – winter
time!), was so exasperated with his wife that he said: “I do not understand how
God could make you so beautiful, and so stupid!” She immediately replied: “He made me so beautiful
so that you would marry me: and so stupid that I would marry you!”
A
lady had married a very rich widower. At
his eventual funeral, a friend of the wife could not understand the limited
degree of her sorrow: in his will the rich man had stipulated that all his
wealth should be buried with him. The
newly widowed lady pointed out that she had placed in his coffin, all his money
in the form of a cheque she had made out to him.
True:
A drunken man staggered into the centre of our open-air service shouting: “If
there is a God, strike me dead!” The
preacher replied: “Now thank him that He didn’t!”
Series Two
An
old Jewish tailor promised to divulge the secret of his success to his three
sons, before he died. As he drew close
to death, the three gathered round his bed.
They put heir heads close to his and asked for his secret: “Always tie a
knot in your thread.”
There
were two very evil brothers in an Irish village. When one of them died the surviving brother
promised a large sum of money to repair the Church roof; if the Priest would
say in his eulogy, the deceased was a good man. At the funeral service, the priest said the
dead man was “an angel” compared with his surviving brother.
True:
I worked with a fine History teacher who told this story about his school days:
their teacher had explained how two armies had formed phalanxes at a famous
battle – arms linked and shields and swords in position. The tendency was to move slightly to one
side, and as they advanced on each other, they missed and passed each
other. At lunchtime some members of the
class were practising a dance called the Hokey- cokey – in which they linked
arms and chanted a cockney song. The
history teacher caught them; but before he could punish them, they explained
they were a phalanx practising the famed battle.
In
a graveyard south of Dublin, the following inscription can be seen:
O
stranger pause as you go by;
As
you are, once was I,
As
I am, so will you be,
So
be prepared to follow me.
Someone
had written below:
To
follow you, I’d be content.
But
hanged if I know which way you went.
Two
rather irreligious racing friends, of a recently dead Irishman, arrived late at
his funeral, and had to stand at the back.
“What’s the Priest doing now?” one asked. “I think he is giving us a tip for the
three-thirty! Came the reply.
Two
men passed an RAC man sitting in his van with his head in his hands,
crying. “I think he’s heading for a
breakdown,” one of them observed.
A
young London lady attended her first communion, after her conversion. The Communion Service was a mystery; and when
the Vicar handed her the chalice, she took it and said: “Cheers!” [This also happened when John Isherwood took
a rather posh elderly moustachioed friend to church.]
Two
students worked on a municipal boating lake in their Long Vac. One day, as the shift drew to a close, one of
them shouted to the last rowers: “Number nine, come in – your time is up!”
“We
only have six boats.”
“Number
six: are you in trouble!”
HTB
Sunday Club was working their way through the early chapters of Genesis. One little boy, at home, had a bout of
stomach-ache, and was rolling on the floor holding his tummy. Thinking of the creation of Eve he told his
Mum: “I think I’m producing a wife.”
The
Vicar at St Martin’s was introducing the subject of ‘The Fruit of the Spirit’
(Galatians 5: 22,23). “What do we get
from apple trees?” “What does God want
from us?” A youngster shouted out: “Babies.”
Series Three
A
little boy thought that St Martin of
Tours in France was the Patron Saint of Tour Operators.
Suitable
notice for a Travel Agent’s door: “Go away!”
Two
thoughts about prayer, given at youth meetings:
Three
possible answers – Yes, No, You’ve got to be kidding!
Yes,
No, Wait, Get to work on it yourself!
The
Wedding Telegram: Originally sent as 1 John 4: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love
drives out fear,
Changed
in the Post Office to John 4:18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not
your husband.
Little
boy smacked by his mother and sent to his room – came down again in tears:
“I’ve looked in the mirror and you’ve cracked me!”
Mother
always told me off through gritted teeth – I thought she was training to be a
ventriloquist.
Sunday
School class asked what they knew about Damascus, in the story of Paul’s
conversion. Answer: It kills all known
germs.
A
man asked for a return ticket at a railway booking office. “Where to?”
“Back here of course!”
An
Air Stewardess had a very snooty passenger.
“Can
I serve you a drink?”
“G
and T, please: that’s Gin… and Tonic…”
“Would
you like slice on the rocks? That’s a
slice of lemon and ice cubes!”
A
Girl Guide was taking her First Aid Badge test:
“I you are coming home from school with a friend, and she swallows her
house door key, what would you do?”
Borrow
a ladder, and climb into the house though an open window.”
The
secret of good gardening: knowing the difference between weeds and flowers.
True:
a local ladies hairdresser is called “The Village Gossip”. Someone rang our
number by mistake, and my wife answered the question – “Are you the Village
Gossip?”
By
slamming the phone down.
Driving
tests
An
Irish man was asked in the oral part to explain the meaning of a Yellow Line
down the side of the road: “You cannot park here at ‘all.” “And the Double Yellow Line?”
“You
cannot park at ‘all, at ‘all!”
A
man who collected pigswill from kitchens took his driving test in his van,
straight from work. Both he and the
Examiner forgot the bin of swill – until it came to the Emergency Stop!
A
lady who had driven all over the World, came to settle in Britain, and decided
to take a Driving Test. She drove
furiously even through narrow spaces between large vehicles. “Have I passed?” she asked. Reply: “I don’t know, my eyes were closed –
I dare not look!”
Series Four
A
slogan at Old Trafford Manchester United’s Ground: “Manchester is my Heaven.”
A
Minister could never avoid arguments and clashes with a certain retired lady,
who had attended the Church, all her life.
On a very warm day he went for a drive in the nearby country lanes, with
all his windows wound down. Suddenly,
approaching a sharp bend, the aforementioned lady screeched round the corner,
she shouted, almost in his face: “Pig!”
He replied: “Cow!”
Immediately
round the bend he crashed solidly into a large pig.
Voting
Problems
My
good friend, Jim Haslem was canvassing for the Labour Party in the Election
Campaign. When a householder told that
he would be voting “National Front”!
“Why on earth would you do that?”
“I always vote for the Party I think will come off worst.”
A
Pakistani scholar and neighbour of my daughter, came to me one day – “Mr
Wilkinson, I know you like an amusing story.”
His father had been required to go home to relatives in Pakistan. Being early May, his mother felt it was her
duty to represent her husband at the Voting Booth. “Who did you vote for?” the youngsters
asked. “Well there was a party called
‘The National Front’.”
Thoughtful
sayings: Love and Joy are the first two parts of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in
our lives. “Language is the servant of
Theology; not the other way round.” The
use of the word ‘immediately’ in Mark’s Gospel could well represent Peter’s
mode of expression.
A
man said to his colleague one Monday morning: “Who was that lady I saw you with
last night?”
“That
was no lady – that was my wife!”
I
knew I had to be careful with my question to the assistant in the supermarket:
“I’m looking for some Comfort (a kind of softener for washing machines) – can
you tell me where it is on the shelves?”
When
I was in the RAF, we had a brilliant Air Traffic Control officer: Flying
Officer Henderson – his diction and vocabulary were absolutely wonderful and
incredibly entertaining. I was
thoroughly enjoying his fire-fighting lecture, when I heard him saying …
“Wilkinson, am I keeping you awake?”
Two
of the Air Traffic Control Staff, needed to put in some flying time to retain
their pilots’ wings. They went together
in a clapped-out old Oxford aircraft.
The weather was not pleasant – and neither was their conversion, which
the whole staff listed to, because they forgot to switch-off their radio
transmitter – they insulted pretty-well everybody, much to their total
embarrassment, when landing and returning for duty.
Series Five
I
worked on the staff with a talented but absent-minded Jewish teacher of
English. She was small of stature and
looked very young, her husband ran a printing business, which re-produced my
drawings.
Her
battery-operated lawnmower ran down – forgetting to switch it off, she left it
on charge: it started by itself and mowed her carpet – until she returned from
work.
The
same thing happened with her Hoover.
There was a power-cut. She forgot
to switch it off, and went to work.
When the power returned, it hoovered her floor, in the same spot for
hours. The lady had to give the whole
floor the same treatment; it took most of the day.
Late
one winters evening she was awaiting her husband’s return from his
business. She decided to empty some
rubbish, even though wearing only her nightdress. As she stepped outside, the door blew to, and
the Yale lock clicked-to: locking her out.
She was not properly dressed to ask the neighbours for help, so had to
hide in the garden, until her husband came home.
When
she attended the school-doctor with her hefty son (he took after his father),
he was belaboured for bringing his sister, and not his mother.
One
day she admired the whiteness of the Headmaster’s teeth. He was a very confident and friendly man,
and explained that being a chemist, he used Domestos. The next morning she arrived in the Staff
Room complaining of a sore mouth. The
Head explained that he had false teeth and put them in a jar of the strong
chemical!
The
teatime train out of Leeds City Station had a fair number of university staff
and students among the passengers. When
I asked the man sitting next to me: “Are you reading that newspaper, you are
sitting on?” He replied: “No, I don’t
have hindsight!”
In
an Oldham secondary school, the Staff met
at one table in the Dining Room. As a
young, new, and nervous, teacher came to the table, he realized he would have
to sit between the Head Master, and the Deputy Head Master. “I’m between the Devil and the Deep Blue
Sea!” Quick as a flash, the Deputy
replied: “I object to being called the Deep Blue Sea!”
This
illustrates the decline in Religious knowledge.
On Teaching Practice at the Royal Grammar School in Newcastle, I had a
ringleader in any disruption (not all that bad) called Abraham. The whole class erupted in laughter when I
told him off, with the words: “If you don’t behave, Abraham, you will have had
your lot!” /
A
Nun who was working with children in the Middle East, was driving her old Jeep
down a country road, when she ran out of petrol. Taking the only receptacle she could find – a
child’s potty, the Nun walked a mile down the road to a Filling Station. On her return, and careful pouring the petrol
into her talk, a large Rolls Royce full of Oil Sheiks approached her. The window near her was wound down, and a
voice said: “We are not of your religion, but we greatly admire your faith!”
In
the armed forces, the untidiest of rooms is called the Orderly Room, and the
tidiest – is the Mess.
A
naval rating reported sick with a swollen foot.
The Medical Officer gave him a very large tablet, and told him to sit
outside a while. With difficulty he
swallowed it with drinks of water.
Eventually he was brought a bowl of water to dissolve the medication to
soak his foot in; but he had taken it!
SERIES SIX
A
“MORMONTUOUS” MISTAKE
On
the bus from Rochdale to the Lake, I spotted two Mormon missionaries; one was
witnessing to a lady sitting in front of us.
(Shame on real Christians for not sharing their faith.) When the lady left the bus, the young fellow turned
and started on me. Before he had said
very much, I observed,
“Your
religion is utter rubbish! The Bible
tells us not to add to it; and you do!”
“Oh
no we do not!” came his reply.
“Every
time you go to Church on a Sunday, you carry two books: the Bible and the ‘Book
of Mormon’. And another thing: you
must have an uncaused, first cause!”
(Mormons believe that God was originally a man). We had reached his stop….
A
day or so later, the doorbell rang.
There was a tall young fellow in a white shirt, dark tie, wearing a name
badge, and carrying a black satchel. I
laid into him….
“Who
do you think I am, and why am I here? he asked.
“You’re
a Mormon!” I stated.
“No…
I’m promoting ‘n-Power’….”
We
both had a good story to tell!
A
man entered a Car Parts Shop and asked: “I’d like a WINDSCREEN WIPER for a
Skoda!”
“Sounds
a fair swap!”
An
elderly lady asked a lively 90 year-old about a problem she faced. Her relatives wanted her to move into a
bungalow, because of the fear of her falling down the stairs. In the meantime, they wanted her to pause
each time she went up stairs – what shout she do? “On no account stop climbing upstairs, once
you’ve started. People of our age will
forget which way they are going – up or down!”
JEWISH
Two
Jewish friends met after a long time.
In catching-up with their news, one said: “It’s my daughter’s
twenty-first birthday. Come round (he
gave the address), and ring the doorbell with your elbow.” “Why my elbow?” “You’ll be carrying a large present for her!”
A
devout synagogue member told his friend of a problem he faced: “You’ll never
believe it, but my son has become a Christian!” They decided to ask their Rabbi. He said: “You’ll never believe it, but my son
has become a Christian! Let’s pray about it.”
When they had interceded, the reply came: “You’ll never believe it, but
my son has become a Christian, as well!”
A
Jewish boy was helping his father one Christmas, in their wholesale
warehouse. “Why did God give us
Christmas?” “It’s good for business.”
“Why
did God make Goiim (Gentiles), father?”
“Someone has to buy retail!”
A
group of religious leaders were discussing the giving on the part of their
congregations.
The
Anglican said it gave a half, when the Diocese had taken its share, if there is
anything left.
The
Roman Catholic said he gave whatever the Pope was asking for.
The
Methodist said they gave a Tithe – a tenth.
The
Rabbi said he had a ceremony in which he threw everything from the large plate
up to God; and the Almighty sent them back whatever He did not want.
SERIES SEVEN
True
story: Between Los Cristianos and Las
Americas, on Tenerife, is a beautiful pathway.
The hotels and restaurants have expanded across it, and even enclosed
it. As we had to walk through one
popular establishment, the entertainer with a blonde Afro hairstyle, and
holding a microphone, saw me walking in he joked: “Ah, Captain Bird’s Eye (as
in a famous TV advert).”
I
was just going to reply: “Ah, Shirley Temple!” when I realized he might have a
bouncer on the door out.
I
was illustrating the advance made in Egyptian hieroglyphics, through the
discovery, and work on, the “Rosetta Stone”.
I drew the cartouche shape and started to fill it with well-known
symbols to signify a Pharaoh’s name: a bird, an eye, and the remaining space
with simple rectangles.
A
voice came from the back of the educationally backward class: “Bird’s Eye fish
fingers!”
I
was walking into the Pennines, and looking forward to my next Bible reading at
the top. As I started, there were two
small whirlwinds in my path – ten feet high, and not very strong. My reading at the top included Proverbs 10
verse 25, “Disaster strikes like a cyclone, whirling the wicked away, but the
godly have a lasting foundation.”
I
was taking honey in my drinks to ease a sore throat; my reading for the day
included Proverbs 25verse 27
Just
as it is not good to eat too much honey, it is not good for people to think
about all the honours they deserve.
An
evangelist was carrying a placard along a street. It read, on the front, “I am a fool for
Christ’s sake!”
People
had a laugh at him: until they saw what he had on the back of his poster:
“Whose fool are YOU!”
An
elderly Bishop heard a young preacher use a stunning illustration: “I have
spent many happy hours in the arms of another man’s wife,” he meant of course
in his mother’s arms. When the old
Bishop came to retell the story, he could not recollect the conclusion, and
found himself saying: “But I cannot remember the lady’s name.”
A
Bishop stood up to address an august audience of clergy, but felt that they
needed the lighting turned on: “Could we have a little more light.” To which the audience replied: “And so also
with you!”
I
was playing Santa at our local church.
I liked to ask the children about their hopes for Christmas. “Why do you want a magician’s kit?” Reply: “To make my brother disappear!”
Overheard
outside my grotto: “That’s not Santa; that’s Dougie!”
At
one Christmas Fair the congregation were sworn to secrecy about my part in
it. At lunchtime my wife came down to the hall,
but could not find me. I arrived home
in the afternoon to the question: “Where have you been?” “Oh no you weren’t!” “Well I was in my grotto, wasn’t I!” Even more proof came with my photograph in
the local paper, next weekend.
SERIES EIGHT
The
hymn was announced as from “Hymns ancient, and more ancient”.
Her
mother, about the procedure in the church service, had guided a nervous
bride. There were three simple steps,
which had to repeat to herself on the procession down the aisle: “Aisle, Altar,
Hymn!”
A
misprint on the final line of a famous hymn: “Land my (me) safe on Canaan’s
side.”
I
was told about a man who was a famous hypnotist. I said I hoped he didn’t practice in front of
a mirror.
A
sixteen-year-old girl coming out of her Geography examination: “Lord, please
make Paris the capital of Turkey!”
An
American man was so tired of “Jehovah’s Witnesses” calling, and he thought he
had the answer. The next time the
doorbell rang, and he opened the door: “Salute the flag (kept in many American
hallways), and I buy all you’ve got!”
It
was an Avon Lady!
TAXI
STORIES
Unusual
– called out to help a man whose car would not start, and he did not want to
trouble family, or neighbours. He asked
to connect batteries, and jump-start. A
clever idea, and he paid £5.
A
group of nurses had had a night- out, and had won a very large teddy bear. In the taxi home one had organised the order
of dropping-off, and who would pay for them all. When it came to the last stop, the
taxi-driver turned to the back seat; he only had the teddy bear!
A
man took a cab from the centre of town to his home in Whitworth. When they reached it, he said: “Now take me
back – I went to work in my car this morning!”
A
driver was working the night shift, and about mid-night took a rest, as his
next call was due at 5.am. He parked on
Syke Common overlooking the boating pond.
When he woke, the car had rolled into the water. It was quite expensive having it towed out.
A
driver in Heywood, picked-up a fare: a rather drunk lady who could not remember
where she lived – she asked him to drive round the town, to see if she could
recognize the street. Suddenly a man
jumped into the road, and stopped the taxi.
“I’m looking for my wife who always forgets her address!”
G.
K. Chesterton, when he fell in love with his wife-to-be, had the difficult task
of meeting her parents. At the event,
the mother suddenly asked, “What do you think of the wallpaper?”
He
took a piece of chalk from his pocket, and drew a full-length portrait of his
beloved on the wall. “Now it’s better,”
he said.
SERIES NINE
A
vicar in the Home Counties visited his seven year-old daughter’s Primary School
to talk about the Church. His opening
gambit was: If the Church were a boat, what type would it be?
Three
answers were particularly interesting, with the reasons:
A
paddle-steamer – because it’s old and rather cute
A
submarine – because it’s cramped, smelly, and hidden from view
A
rowing boat – because you sit on hard wooden seats for a long time.
The
vicar, and various other people thought that the Church should be seen as:
A
lifeboat – dedicated to saving people
A
battleship – fighting evil
A
merchant ship – all on board are devoted to one aim, and are crew members with
a specific job: no passengers!
What
do you think?
Did
you notice that the stone of Jesus’s tomb was not rolled closed? Well He was born in a stable!
A
shop assistant was having a hard time with an elderly lady, who wanted to buy a
compass for her Grandson. Eventually
she asked, “What is the mirror behind the needle for?” Reply: “It’s to show you who’s lost!”
A
story I remember only vaguely: A Vicar,
who owned a four wheel-drive, off-road vehicle, offered to help a parishioner
remove a tree from their garden by pulling it out with his car. Halfway through the operation of bending the
tree over, the rope snapped and the tree sprang upright.
The
little boy in the family of a neighbour had been pestering to have a cat. “Alright, if God wants you to have a cat,
pray, and He will send you one!”
Suddenly a cat appeared in the garden.
It had been hiding in the tree that sprang upright!
At
what promised to be a boring Christmas party, I found myself sitting next to a
territorial soldier, who had been injured in manoeuvres. When he found out I was a teacher of
Religion, he asked the intriguing question: “What does the verse in the Bible
mean which says, ‘The abomination of desolation, standing where it ought not’?”
We
had a great time talking about the end of the World, and the return of Christ!
On
a corner near to my home is an unusual fruit tree, which has had a second kind
of fruit grafted on – so it has two quite different types of blossom. Whilst I was looking at it this year I noticed
an unusual bird on the man’s television aerial. I tried viewing it from various angles, but
could not identify it by size or strange pale grey colouration. I realized a man across the road trying to
attract my attention, with some sense of humour. “It’s plastic – it’s to keep the pigeons off
his house!”
An
American Senator, when he received rude or aggressive letters, returned them
with a note saying: “I just thought you would like to know that some nutcase
has been writing to me using your name and address.”
True
story: A phone call to my school, “This is a bomb hoax!”
Another
phone call to the same school: “Angela Morton cannot come to school
today.” Secretary: “Who is that?” Reply: “It’s my Mum!”
A
co-pilot entered the cockpit of a passenger aircraft, waiting on the tarmac,
and greeted his colleague: “Hi Jack!”
Air
Traffic Control heard it over the radio, and instigated an armed response.
SERIES TEN
A
Vicar was discussing a serious financial problem with his Warden: “I think we
shall have to pray about it then.” To
which the Warden replied: “Has it come to that!”
A
young Christian was a Personal Assistant to the Chairman of Selfridges, when a
call came for the important man himself.
The Young man covered the mouthpiece, and told who it was. “Tell him I’m out!”
“You
tell him, sir!” He took the call, and
them lambasted the PA, who replied: “If I can lie for you: I can lie to you!”
Sometimes
when people phone for Florence and ask if she is in, I reply, “I’ll ask
her!” Always stressing it is a joke.
The
Head Master had a very naughty boy in his room when I entered. “I’ve called the Police, haven’t I Mr
Wilkinson?” I had to reply to his
bluff, that I did not know. I think he
admired my reluctance to lie for him.
A
man, who kept the CD Music store in Harrods, arrived early for work, and was
bent down tidying his stock, when he heard a plumy voice asking if he had
anything by “The Three Degrees”. “Who on
earth listens to that kind of music!” he asked, without standing-up. When he did rise to his feet, it was the
Prince Charles! He did the only thing
he could: he fainted!
ALL
THE ABOVE SENT TO JAN 04 OCT 11
Dr
Paul Yonggi Cho has been a most influential and gifted South Korean
Minister. The success of God’s work in
his nation has been very much based in prayer – one regular prayer meeting was
held at five 0’clock in the morning. On
one occasion he was late getting-up, and his wife’s Mother phoned to hurry him
up. When he arrived to lead the meeting,
everybody laughed: he was still wearing his pyjamas!
(Crowds
going to prayer meetings resembled cup final numbers, Billy Graham preached to
one million, in the open air.)
Next-door
neighbours to a Christian house group said they thought they had died last
night: because they heard you singing hymns, and thought it was the angels in
Heaven.
When
they met in the Hose of Commons, Lady Astor (the first lady MP) said to Winston
Churchill: “If you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee!” To which he replied, “Madam, if you were my
wife, I’d drink it!”
SERIES ELEVEN
Outside
my classroom was a fine clump of mature trees, so when the question of “Is
there a God?” cropped-up, I simply pointed to the life force and complexity of
these natural wonders. Unfortunately, as
I did so, a small boy, almost hidden, walked passed the window carrying the
Biology Lab human skeleton: the face was grinning in our direction, and the jaw
was opening and closing in time to the boy’s steps.
A
little girl asked her father where humans came from. He replied that we came from monkeys. She then questioned her mother: “God made
us,” was the reply. “Daddy says we came
from monkeys!” “That’s his side of the
family!” retorted the mother.
What
do atheists say when someone sneezes? “Curse you!”
Atheists
complain that they have no special days or festivals, as other religious people
do. “Oh yes they do! April the first!
The
R E Teacher was nearing the end of reading the Gospel According to John to his
class. He was just reading Mary Magdalene’s
question (chapter 20 verse 15), “Where have you placed the body?” The door of
the classroom opened and the Music Teacher came in – his evening job was in the
family firm of undertakers.
On
another day, the same door opened, and a boy had come from the Woodwork
Department, where a stage prop was being made for the R E people: “Your cross
is ready!” The teacher’s heart missed a
beat.
A
teacher who was not very sympathetic to Christianity was discussing Jonah’s
story. A boy in the class replied, “When
I get to Heaven, I can ask him if it is true.”
“How do you know he went to Heaven, and not Hell?” “Well then you can ask him!”
Some
people carelessly think that everyone entering a church door is automatically a
Christian. This worries me; last week I
had cause to enter an undertaker’s!
Mark
Stibbe, and a group from his Church, attended a summer camp in Norway. At the Sunday lunchtime, after the meetings
were finished, there was a final de-briefing.
A lady who ran the Ministry Team came to the front, and announced in
English: “Something very serious has happened on the campsite this
morning.” The British group thought
that perhaps someone had died. But she
continued: “There is on the camp site a mobile toilet facility, and a lady
wanted to use it, and she went into the mobile toilet facility, and she sat
down.” Norwegians have a saying: Joy is
a very serious thing. “The man who
owned the mobile toilet facility (she did love saying that phrase) realised
that he was double-booked, and that he was due in Stavanger, (seven hours’ drive away) that same day, with
the mobile toilet facility. The man
connected his mobile toilet facility to the back of his wagon.” He drove out of the campsite – the woman was
still sitting in the mobile toilet facility.
She was banging on the door, and crying, “Help. Help. Let me out. Let me
out.” The man stopped at a pedestrian
crossing, and her cries for help were heeded by passers-by, and she was
eventually released. She was brought
back to the campsite for prayer: “We have prayed for the healing of her
memories, and have assured her that Jesus was with her in the mobile toilet
facility.” The British contingent, by
this time, were so helpless with hysterics, that Stibbe fell off his chair,
onto his back, on the floor, howling with laughter, and with tears running down
his face. This was about 1995, and the
Toronto Blessing, when almost anything could pass for a manifestation of the
Holy Spirit, and so a very earnest Pastor came a prayed over him: “O, Lord he
has been working so hard this week – thank you for this joy, this holy
laughter.”
A
true story from 1982, about a man nicknamed Lawn Chair Larry, from California.
Larry Walter’s boyhood ambition was to fly, but fate conspired to keep him from
his dream. He joined the Air Force, but
his poor eyesight disqualified him from becoming a pilot. After he was discharged, he sat in his
backyard, watching jet aircraft fly overhead.
He hatched his scheme at this time, whilst sitting on his lawn
chair. He purchased forty-five weather
balloons from an army surplus store, filled them with helium, tied them to his
tethered chair dubbed: “The Inspiration One”, and then strapped himself in,
taking sandwiches, some alcoholic drinks, and a pellet gun. This would help to pop a few balloons, when
it was time to descend. The plan was to
sever the anchor, and lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet, where he
would enjoy life taking his refreshments, before firing a few pellets, and
float gently down. Unfortunately, his
plan failed: when his friends cut the cord fastened to his Jeep, Larry streaked
into the L. A. sky, as if shot from a gun.
He did not level off at a hundred feet, nor at a thousand; but at
sixteen thousand feet. He was too
frightened to shoot any of the balloons, lest they became unbalanced. So he drifted, frightened, with his beer and
sandwiches, for more than 14 hours. He
crossed the primary approach flight path of L.A.X., where pilots of Trans World
Airlines, and Delta Airlines radioed in reports of the strange sight. Eventually he gathered the courage to shoot
a few balloons, and slowly descended.
The hanging tethers caught in a power line, blacking out the Long Beach
neighbourhood for twenty minutes. Larry
climbed to safety, where waiting members of the LAPD arrested him. As he was let away in handcuffs, a waiting
reporter asked him why he had done it.
Larry replied nonchalantly, “Well a man just can’t sit around!”
SERIS TWELVE
A
lady diagnosed with a terminal illness, had been given three months to
live. As she was getting her things in
order, she contacted her Vicar, and had him visit her, in order to discuss her
final wishes: Scriptures, songs and hymns, even what outfit she wished to be
buried in, and even holding her favourite Bible – all was in order. As the Vicar was about to leave, the lady
remembered something very important to her: “I want to be buried with a fork in
my right hand!” The clergyman was
perplexed. “In all my years of attending
Church socials and Harvest Suppers, I always remember, that when the main
course was being cleared away, someone would always lean over, and say, “Keep
your fork.” “It was my favourite part,
because I knew that something better was coming – like chocolate cake, or apple
pie: something wonderful and with substance.”
So, at the funeral, the Minister had to explain the reason for the fork:
“Tell them, ‘Keep your fork! The best is yet to be!’”
You
can lead a horse to water; but you cannot make it drink. But you can put salt in its oats.
A
bill from the Barbican Bookshop in York:
“The
God Who is There”
“Fresh
from the Freezer”
When
a file is deleted from Microsoft Word, a question checks that you have made the
right decision. This gives curious
notes when files are named after people eg:
“Do
you wish to send the “Bishop of Durham” to the Recycle-Bin?”
True
story: In the village Theatrical Group, a young fellow was very keen to take
part. In the current play a man took a
shotgun and killed a lady. The young man
had to run onto the stage and shout, “Who fired that shot!”
One
night the blank in the gun failed. The
gangster took the weapon by the barrel and hit the woman. The young man still ran onto the stage
shouting: “Who fired that shot!”
Not
a joke, but a good story.
An
Australian Bishop received a letter from an aged lady in his Diocese. She admitted that her age now precluded her
from her usual active service. As a
young member, she had received a calling to help young women coming out of
prison, and take them into her home – all in liaison with the prison
officials. She had continued to write to
many of the ladies who were converted through her witness. One thousand five hundred were, to her
knowledge, in active Christian service!
An
Army Chaplain noticed a soldier praying in the Station Church. “Can I help you?” he asked. The soldier replied, “I’m being helped,
thank you.”
Chris
Waddell, the international footballer, once sent his wife a Wedding Anniversary
card signed: “Chris Waddell”.
Not
a joke.
One
of the things I like about the life of John Wesley is his sense of victory, and
his continual giving of thanks. Notice
the numerous encouragements to give thanks in Paul’s Letter to the Colossians
(3:15, 16, 17; 4:2). St iPod
When
the longest Prison Riot in British Penal History began in 1990, at Strangeways,
Manchester, people thought it was a joke, because it was on April 1st.
G.
K. Chesterton, the famous writer, in old age sent his wife a telegram saying: I
am in Market Harborough; where should I be?”
A
man asked his friend, who was a solicitor, how much he charged. “It costs
… to ask three questions. What
are you second and third questions?”
A
rather rough man, who had become a curate in the Church of England, was served
a cup of tea on visiting a parishioner.
“Where would you like it?” He
replied: In my mouth!”
Two
true stories: I was sitting next to an ill-shaven man in a leather jacket, in
Church, one Sunday morning. With some
apprehension, I felt I must offer some sort of welcome after the service. He was wearing a dog collar - a visiting
local Curate!
A
young man, with a sense of humour, made a serious mistake during his first week
at a high Anglican theological college.
He helped to clear up after the Eucharist, and poured the wine down the
sink: “You must not do that! It is
Christ’s blood!” He went over to the
sink and shouted down the plughole: “I’m sorry!”
Two
children asked their aged grandfather if he could croak like a frog. When he asked the reason, they replied that
father had said they could move into a bigger house, when granddad croaked!
When
a man’s mother reached her ninetieth birthday, he wanted a special present for
her lonely years. He tried a pet shop,
and chose a brilliantly coloured parrot.
As he paid for it, he was told
that it could speak four languages, fluently.
He was unable to attend the party, but sent his present with a family
member. When he called to see his mum,
he asked how she liked the parrot. “It
fell off the bone!” (She had cooked
it!) “But it could speak four
languages!” “It never said anything to
me!”
A
lecture at the Resources Exhibition: “How to preach for half an hour, and make
it seem like ten minutes”. Some could
have done a talk on: “How to preach for ten minutes, and make it sound like
half an hour!”
An
optimist is a golfer, who cannot find his ball, and looks in the hole, first.
SERIES THIRTEEN
A
Bible Class for young children, and taken by a very dignified Grammar School
teacher, was asked to come next week with an object, and a suitable text from
the Bible. One boy lived on the edge of
the country and found an ear of wheat.
Probably using his father’s concordance, he gave the lady the text from
Canticles 7 verse 2: “Your belly is like a heap of wheat”.
A
bank clerk remembered this incident when there was a security move in his
bank. He had to ask an elderly lady for
identity confirmation. She rummaged in
her handbag for some minutes, and pulled out a small mirror. After a steady gaze, she said: “Yes, it’s
definitely me!” The clerk hadn’t the
nerve to refuse her business.
The
family and his doctor pestered Harry to obtain a hearing aid. Eventually one was fitted, and his doctor
was pleased that he liked it. “Are your
family pleased?”
“I’ve
not told them; but I have changed my Will, three times!”
This
needs to be read aloud. A vagrant
called at an affluent man’s home, asking for odd jobs. “There’s a can of yellow paint in the
garage; paint my porch for me and I’ll pay you well.”
A
few hours later, the man called at the back door and said: “I’ve finished. But it was a Mercedes: not a Porsche!”
The
man asked his Rabbi, “Why do you always answer questions by asking one?” “Why shouldn’t we?”
The
comedian Jasper Carrot said, his wife did not want to call their daughter Nora,
but settled for Henrietta.
When
scientists announce that they have discovered the Centre of the Universe: many
thousands of self-centred people will feel disappointment.
One
of the interesting people I have met walking round the Lake, was Peggy –
walking her dog Sarah. Peggy played the
piano for the Methodist Ladies Meeting.
A friend of her late husband pointed out, that as a Church of England
organist, he would turn in his grave, to know that she played for the
Methodists. “E, I don’t think so: he was
cremated!”
Something
out of place: Like a pork pie at a Bar Mitzvah, or a ham sandwich at a
Synagogue picnic.
A
definition of an organ recital is: a group of old ladies talking about their
hospital operations.
Mo
Molam, the Government Northern Ireland Secretary, was at Buckingham Palace
having an audience with Her Majesty the Queen, when her Blueberry rang – she
answered it. Afterwards, the Queen
asked: “Was it anyone important?”
In
His divinity, Jesus would find it easier to create a galaxy: than, in His
humanity to plane a doorframe.
Schoolboy
Joke
An
Irishman kept an unusual rare flightless bird appropriately called a
Rarey. Some enemies stole it and threw
it over a high cliff. He said: “It’s a long
way to tip-a-Rarey!” (“It’s a long way to Tipperary”, a popular song in the
1914-18 War)
A
mother took her little boy to the Doctor with stomach pains; the doctor
prescribed “syrup of figs”. “That’s an
old remedy!” “It’s an old complaint!”
Remember:
when you point the finger at someone; you have THREE pointing at yourself!
After
a long and happy marriage, the widower had to arrange for the inscription on
his wife’s grave. He called back after
several days to view the result, which read: “She was thin”, whereas he asked
for “She was thine”.
“You’ve
missed the ‘e’ out!”
Next
week he called to observe to his shock: “E, she was thin”.
Two
unusual leaflets: 1. What do you miss in becoming a Christian? Open the tract and you just see the word:
“HELL”.
2.
What the Bible teaches about “Infant Baptism”.
Open the tract: there is nothing in it!
A
definition of the word “procrastination”: Putting off until tomorrow, what you
have already put off until today!
There
is no spiritual gift of “pew warming”.
Notice
in the Infirmary car park: “Thieves are operating in this area.”
SERIES FORTEEN
Why
did the chicken cross the road?
Some
foul reason
To
reach the other side
To
plot a hatch
To
hatch a plot
He
didn’t say, and was run over
He
saw a fox coming
He
saw the cook coming
A
very thick book in Waterstones called “What men know about women” – all the
pages were blank!
The
vicar was walking down the village street, hoping to meet his
parishioners. He spoke to a retired
farmer, working in his front garden: “You and God have done a good job
there!” “You should hav’ seen it when
He had it by Hi’self!”
Two
ladies came out of the supermarket together – to load their groceries into
their Volkswagen Beatles. One of them
opened her front lid and said, “Someone’s stolen my engine!” The other lady replied: “Don’t worry; I have
a spare in my boot!”
A
young driver appeared before the Magistrate on a minor accident charge. The Magistrate wanted an answer to the
question: “What gear were you in?”
“A
Gucci jacket, Armani shirt, and Hugo Boss trousers!”
Two
friends were playing golf, and discussing whether there would be golf in
heaven. “I’ll ask the Pastor, when I see
him tonight.”
The
next day his friend phoned him: “What did the Pastor say?”
“There
is good news and bad news. Yes there is
golf in Heaven; but you’re down to play St Peter, tomorrow morning at 8.30!”
The
Religious Studies teacher had put up a poster of the following text, in Urdu:
John 6:35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who
comes to me will never go hungry.”
When a Pakistani Muslim scholar was asked to
translate, it actually said: “Jesus said, I am the chapatti of life….”
The King James Version of the Bible often appears
quaint to us. Who was the
“clockwork man”?
Ananias. When
he suddenly died, “the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and
buried him.” Acts 5:6
When my grandson ushered me away from the edge of the
pavement, his comment was: “I’m practicing to be a good father.” “So am I”, added my great-grandson.
A
man was buying a new watch; just to be certain of its qualities, he asked if it
was waterproof. “To thirty fathoms,”
replied the shop assistant. “I only
want it for washing-up!”
When
I started to use the free delivery service of an Asian Pharmacist, I had the
following conversation.
What’s
your name? Wilkinson. Can you spell it please.
Where
do you live? Leander Drive. Could you spell that.
It’s
off Albion Street. Could you spell
that, please.
What
is your medication? Allopurinol. Fine.
The
young son of the host of a Charismatic Prayer Meeting was sent in from the
kitchen, to find out how many wanted coffee, and he said: “Hands down for
coffee!”
Schoolteacher
to a boy: I must have told you a thousand times; not to exaggerate.
SERIES FIFTEEN
When
the car door opened to release a strong perfume smell, I asked: Is that your
perfume, or has someone been using fly spray?
A
friend was preaching on the subject of Jeremiah’s work for God, and he quoted
the text: “Thou art My Battle Axe!”
Without
realising it, he pointed rather carelessly at his wife, who promptly shook her
fist at him; much to the amusement of the congregation.
True:
At the local Co-op, I placed my shopping on the conveyor belt, and noticed what
the goods were and in what order: Marvel (dried milk), Comfort (softener for
the washing machine), raisins, and biscuits.
So
I said to the lady serving me: “I’m going to Church. If I give these to the Vicar, do you think
he will be able to preach a sermon on them? We should marvel at the comfort of the raising
of the dead – that takes the biscuit, came to me later.
Patients
going into the operating theatre at a North West hospital, would look up at an
arch inscribed with the text: “Prepare to meet thy God.”
What
is worse than finding a slug in your salad?
Finding half a slug!
What
is worse than finding a maker’s label on your food? Finding half a label!
Jaimeson
playing football with me – Leon came and asked if he could play. Jaimeson – “Yes, as referee!”
Stonewall
Jackson was looking to buy a pair of Wellington Boots, at a shop in Northern
Ireland. They were hung from a hook by
being tied with a short piece of string.
He complained that the string was too short.
There
was an Irishman who robbed a bank, and stole all their Paying-in books.
An
officer in command of an Irish firing squad ordered: “Right men form a circle.”
Thinking
that I had too many articles in the church magazine I wrote under the pseudonym
of E. Lees (Edwin Lees – sounding like the Ealees Valley, in the
neighbourhood). Florence, did not know
this, and said how good the articles were.
The Minister enquired if I knew him – “Very well, he sometimes preaches
in the Circuit.” Minister: “His
theology is very thin!” I later told him
who it was!
HTL
magazine, 2010
Some
genuine extracts from Church Magazines
Next
week’s Fasting and Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
Sunday
morning sermon: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’
Sunday
evening Gospel sermon: ‘Searching for Jesus’.
Ladies,
don’t forget the rummage sale – it’s your last chance to get rid of those
things that are not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember
in prayer those who are sick of our community.
Smile
at someone who is hard to love.
Say
‘Hell’, to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
When
my son was at school, they had a highly respected Chemistry teacher, Mr
Mitchell. The boys were quick to
misbehave in the laboratory, before the teacher arrived. One youth splashed ink on the wall, from his
fountain pen. When the teacher arrived,
he was displeased and asked: “Who did that?”
Out
of respect the boy owned-up.
“Do
you do that on your wall paper at home?”
“No
Sir!”
“Then
why do it here?”
“You
don’t have wall paper on the wall here, Sir!”
At
my son’s works, the Chairman noticed that the Supervisor had been to the
hairdresser’s.
“Did
you have it cut in the Firm’s time?”
“Yes,
but it grows in the Firm’s time!”
“Not
all of it!”
“I
didn’t have all of it cut off!”
SERIES SIXTEEN
|
This
has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails in awhile.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Bet
your friends haven't seen this one ! ! !
**
|
SERIES
SEVENTEEN
IRISH MOTHER'S
LETTER TO HER FAR AWAY SON
I
am writing slowly because I know you can't read very fast.
When
you get home, you will not recognise the house because we have moved.
Your
father has a new job - he is over 600 men - he now works in a graveyard.
Your
sister has had a baby - I do not know whether it is a boy or a girl, so I
cannot tell you yet if you are an aunt or an uncle.
I
went to the doctor's yesterday and the doctor placed a tube down my throat; he
told me not to talk for half an hour. Your father asked where he could get one
- to keep handy at home.
Your
uncle who works in the whisky distillery fell in the vat, his friends tried to
rescue him, but he successfully fought them off.
I
was going to send you £5.00, but I have sealed the envelope.
Love,
your Mother
IPS
Secretary
Subject:
FW: When life doesn’t seem to make sense anymore
This
is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent to the Workers Compensation board and is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....
Dear
Sir,
I
am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of
the accident report form.
I
put poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a
bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the
roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in
excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower
them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.
Securing
the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of
the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked
off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building.
In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding
downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull,
minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the
accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to he rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and
the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now
devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I
refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
he side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here
my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow
me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,
as lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching
the empty barrel begin is journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.
I
hope this answers your inquiry.
21/03/03
A
thief broke into the home of a very rich man.
As he made his way through the first room he heard a voice saying,
“Jesus, come quickly!”
Eventually
he noticed that the voice was that of a parrot high on a curtain rail.
“What
is your name then?”
“Methuselah!”
“Who
on earth would call his parrot Methuselah?”
“Someone
who would call his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’!”
|
BAD PARROT
A young man named Brad
received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude
and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity. Brad tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's
vocabulary.
Finally, Brad was fed up and he yelled at the
parrot. The parrot yelled back. Brad shook the parrot and the parrot
got angrier and even ruder. Brad, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed
the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked
and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Brad quickly
opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Brad's
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and un-forgivable behaviour."
Brad was stunned at the change in the bird's
attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made
such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the
turkey did?
SERIES EIGHTEEN
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Some
people’s minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
(Christmas
cracker)
A
class were reading the story of John the Baptist’s death. The teacher explained that traditionally the
young woman who danced was Salome. A boy
called out from the back: “Sir, they named a sausage after her!” (Salami)
The
builder’s labourer (short version)
A
labourer, working on a building site, had a huge canvas container of rubble
high on a scaffolding platform. He
attached the hook of a pulley system to the handles, and returned to the ground
to lower it down. With some difficulty
he negotiated the heavy load to the edge of the platform. Eventually it swung clear. The ratio of the weight, in the pulley
system, resulted in the rubble weighing much more than the man, and with great
speed the container descended, and the labourer, with the rope wound tightly
round his wrists, shot upwards! As they
passed, he received a harsh knock from the rubble container – he then hit the
pulleys at the top. The rubble hit the
ground and burst the canvas. Now the man
was the heavier; so he now descended, the remains of the container hit him a
second time, as they past. His grasp of
the rope slackened, and the junk on the other end of the rope, now came
crashing on him from a great height, as he lay on the rubble. Not a good day for him!
True
story
A
very dear Scottish lady at a church in Castleton (Mrs Mocker …), walked all the
way back to the grocer’s shop to claim two pence she had been given short in
her change. Another Scottish lady, a
close friend, was in the shop when she arrived.
“It’s
people like you that give us Scots a bad name!
You will have walked two pennyworth of leather off your shoe coming
back.”
My
son was on holiday by Loch Ness. Two
young ladies were running the Post Office, whilst their parents were away. They had been told not to phone unless there
was a real problem – flooding was a strong possibility.
They
did telephone. “How high is the flood
water?” “It’s over my ankles.” “That’s not high.” “But I’m upstairs in my bedroom!”
Subject: Whom Does The Land of Israel
Belong To?
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An Israeli Sense of Humour at UN set the record straight.
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United
Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell
you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth
water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian
had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted,
'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that
clear, I will begin my speech.’
MITCH,
THE PRIEST AND THE RACEHORSES
One
day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race..
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched
with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the
5th racehorses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on
the horse... Again, even though it was another long shot, the
horse
the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a
horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races
continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one
ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race,
he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot
of the day..
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of
the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he
owned
on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch,
in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the
priest was. Confronting the old priest
he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses
and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a
Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all
of it!’
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the
problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites.’
SERIES NINETEEN
Tommy
Cooper would often say to a taxi driver, late at night: “Have a drink on
me,” as he stuffed something into their top pocket. On reaching home the driver would find a
tea bag.
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For the
grandparents-to-be and those who already are
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GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but,
please leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the
option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we
know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press
5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it
delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to
the theatre start talking we are listening
!!!!!!!!!!!"
********************************
If you are not a grandparent you will still love
this. If you are it shows how precious the babies are and
what we mean to them.
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of their own.
They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when
we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play
hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and
give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things
like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the
flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?'
and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if
we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television because they are the only
grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and
they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted badly.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA
LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND
WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE
HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD
THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART
AS
HIM!
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SERIES TWENTY
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A Mr Vernon wanted to build and open a bar
called “Drummond’s Bar”, in his town in Texas; but it was opposite the local
church. The congregation objected to
the bar. They tried to resist it, but
it was being built anyway. So this
church started a prayer campaign to stop the bar being built. However, work continued. Just before completion, lightening struck the
bar, and it burned to the ground. The
bar owner sued the church, because it was ‘an act of God’, in answer to their
prayers that had destroyed the premises.
The church denied responsibility, and the case went to Court. The whole thing mystified the Judge; but in
his judgement stated: “I don’t know what to make of this. We have here a bar owner, who believes in
the power of prayer; and an entire church organisation that does not!”
Told at a recent conference by The Very Reverend
Dr David Lacey, a Former Moderator of The Church of Scotland
An eminent businessman was frequently
invited to lecture on his successes; but in actual fact his talks were the work
of his Personal Assistant, to whom he gave no credit or thanks. She had had enough! He stood to lecture his way through an
impressive talk, when he reached the statement: “And here are my ten main
points,” at the foot of the page. When
he turned over, there were only the words: “You are on your own now!”
A missionary speaker made the point that if
Adam and Eve had been Chinese, they would have cooked the Serpent!
A newly ordained Methodist Minister was
sitting in his vestry, when a pretty young lady knocked at the door and came
and came in, with the words: “Will you marry me?” Fortunately he realized that what she
actually meant was: “Will you take my marriage service?”
I boarded a bus which obviously had the
wrong destination indicated. The
driver’s response was: “It has India on the tyres; but we are not going there
either!” I took me thirty-five years to
think of an answer: “You’re not going to Tyre on the Levant coast, either!”
Two men had been fun-loving students
together. One became a high-ranking
Naval Officer: the other a Bishop. One
day, in later life, they arrived at opposite sides of the platform in a London
station. The Bishop, in full regalia,
called to the uniformed Admiral: “Come here my man and take my luggage!” To which he received the reply: “Certainly
for a woman in your condition!”
Tricky Names
You can easily remember the Secretary’s
name: Miss Terry (mystery).
A friend at school: Terry Bell (terrible).
An unfortunate Jewish girl: Ailsa Seltzer
(like the indigestion medicine Alka-Seltzer).
SERIES
TWENTY-ONE
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BEG, BORROW OR STEAL
(BBC2)
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Jamie Theakston:
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Where do you think
Cambridge University is?
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Contestant:
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Geography isn't my
strong point.
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Jamie Theakston:
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There's a clue in the
title.
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Contestant:
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Leicester
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BBC NORFOLK
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Stewart White:
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Who had a worldwide hit
with What A Wonderful World?
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Contestant:
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I don't know.
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Stewart White:
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I'll give you some
clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
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Contestant:
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Arm
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Stewart White:
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Correct And if you're
not weak, you're...?
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Contestant:
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Strong.
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Stewart White:
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Correct - and what was
Lord Mountbatten's first name?
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Contestant:
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Louis
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Stewart White:
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Well, there we are then.
So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
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Contestant:
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Frank Sinatra?
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LATE SHOW (BBC
MIDLANDS )
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Alex Trelinski:
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What is the capital of
Italy ?
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Contestant:
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France
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Trelinski:
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France is another
country. Try again.
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Contestant:
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Oh, um, Benidorm..
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Trelinski:
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Wrong, sorry, let's try
another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
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Contestant:
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Sorry, I don't know.
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Trelinski:
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Just guess a country
then.
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Contestant:
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Paris
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THE WEAKEST LINK
(BBC2)
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Anne Robinson:
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Oscar Wilde, Adolf
Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences
in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
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Contestant:
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The Conservative Party.
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BEACON RADIO (
WOLVERHAMPTON )
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DJ Mark:
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For 10, what is the
nationality of the Pope?
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Ruth from Rowley Regis:
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I think I know that one.
Is it Jewish?
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UNIVERSITY
CHALLENGE
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Bamber Gascoyne:
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What was Gandhi's first
name?
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Contestant:
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Goosey?
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GWR FM ( Bristol
)
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Presenter:
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What happened in Dallas
on November 22, 1963 ?
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Contestant:
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I don't know, I wasn't
watching it then.
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PHIL WOOD SHOW
(BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
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Phil:
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What's 11 squared?
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Contestant:
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I don't know.
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Phil:
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I'll give you a clue..
It's two ones with a two in the middle.
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Contestant:
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Is it five?
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RICHARD AND JUDY
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Richard:
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Which American actor is
married to Nicole Kidman?
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Contestant:
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Forrest Gump.
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RICHARD AND JUDY
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Richard:
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On which street did
Sherlock Holmes live?
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Contestant:
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Er. .. ...
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Richard:
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He makes bread . . ...
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Contestant:
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Er . .....
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Richard:
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He makes cakes . . ...
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Contestant:
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Kipling Street ?
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LINCS FM PHONE-IN
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Presenter:
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Which is the largest
Spanish-speaking country in the world?
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Contestant:
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Barcelona
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Presenter:
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I was really after the
name of a country.
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Contestant:
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I'm sorry, I don't know
the names of any countries in Spain
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NATIONAL LOTTERY
(BBC1)
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Question:
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What is the world's
largest continent?
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Contestant:
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The Pacific.
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ROCK FM ( PRESTON
)
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Presenter:
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Name a film starring Bob
Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
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Contestant:
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Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
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THE BIGGEST GAME
IN TOWN (ITV)
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Steve Le Fevre:
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What was signed, to
bring World War I to an end in 1918?
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Contestant:
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Magna Carta?
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JAMES O'BRIEN
SHOW (LBC)
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James O'Brien:
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How many kings of
England have been called Henry?
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Contestant:
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Er, well, I know there
was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
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CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC
RADIO BRISTOL )
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Chris Searle:
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In which European
country isMount Etna?
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Caller:
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Japan
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Chris Searle:
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I did say which European
country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
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Caller:
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Er ..... Mexico ?
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PAUL WAPPAT (BBC
RADIO NEWCASTLE )
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Paul Wappat:
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How long did the Six-Day
War between Egypt and Israellast?
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Contestant (long pause):
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Fourteen days.
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DARYL DENHAM'S
DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
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Daryl Denham:
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In which country would
you spend shekels?
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Contestant:
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Holland ?
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Daryl Denham:
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Try the next letter of
the alphabet.
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Contestant:
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Iceland ? Ireland ?
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Daryl Denham:
(helpfully)
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It's a bad line. Did you
say Israel ?
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Contestant:
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No.
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PHIL WOOD SHOW
(BBC GMR)
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Phil Wood:
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What 'K' could be
described as the Islamic Bible?
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Contestant:
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Er. ... ...
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Phil Wood:
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It's got two syllables .
. .. Kor . .
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Contestant:
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Blimey?
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Phil Wood:
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Ha ha ha ha, no. The
past participle of run . . ....
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Contestant:
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(Silence)
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Phil Wood:
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OK, try it another way.
Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
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Contestant:
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Walked?
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THE VAULT
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Melanie Sykes:
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What is the name given
to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
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Contestant:
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Nostalgia.
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LUNCHTIME SHOW
(BRMB)
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Presenter:
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What religion was Guy
Fawkes?
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Contestant:
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Jewish.
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Presenter:
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That's close enough.
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STEVE WRIGHT IN
THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
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Wright:
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Johnny Weissmuller died
on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth
did he play?
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Contestant:
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Jesus.
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Series
Twenty-two
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THE HAIRCUT
A teenage
boy had just passed his
driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could
discuss his use of the car.
His
father said he'd make a deal
with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then
we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a
moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on
it.
After
about six weeks his father said,
'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed
you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy
said, 'You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair.
You're
going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere
they went?'
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THE BISHOP’S JOKES
Signing the Register at a wedding, the Best
Man had difficulty making his ballpoint pen work. “Put your weight on it,” said the Vicar,
helpfully. The Best Man duly signed:
“James Wilson, ten stones, four pounds.”
The newly married wife said to her husband:
“The two best things I cook are: meatloaf, and apple dumplings.”
Husband politely: “Um…and which one is
this?”
“How was it you were born in Scunthorpe?”
“Well, you see, I thought it was important
to be near my mother.””
Little girl: “Our new teacher wanted to know
whether I had any brothers or sisters. I
told her I was an only child.”
Mother: “What did she say?”
Child: “She said, thank goodness for that!”
An advert in a local paper: “Wanted a
babysitter – one dollar per hour; plus fridge benefits.”
Auntie Agnes asked my son what he wanted to
be when he grew up. “A big boy,” he
replied.
Mother: “Today, I want you to take your
brother Eddie to the Zoo.”
Rodney: “Not me. If they want him, they’ll have to come and
fetch him.”
A Bishop of Carlisle was terminating an
interview with a very difficult woman of the diocese who had come to Rose
Castle, once again, to lodge a complaint.
They were in the hall, just getting round to the final handshake, when
the Bishop’s wife called downstairs, “Has that stupid woman finally gone,
dear?”
Quick as a flash, the Bishop replied, “Yes,
my love, she went ages ago. I’m with Mrs Robinson just now.”
20 REASONS WHY I SHOULD GO TO CHURCH THIS
SUNDAY
1. God commands it: "... not staying
away from our meetings, as some do...." (Hebrews 10v25 NEB)
(I now realize that there can be various
reasonable, inevitable causes which interfere with our desire to comply:
health, work schedules, economics, geographical, incarceration for the Gospel,
conditions in local congregations and their leadership – heresy, or antagonism,
and so on. We may need innovative
methods of having fellowship! There is
a whole movement in the Church called “Fresh Expressions”.)
2. To experience worship on Earth; a token
of worship in Heaven.
3. I enjoy karaoke.
4. To hear God speak to me through others.
5. To be taught more about the Way.
6. As a witness to my neighbours, who see me
leave for church early and hurrying – not like most Jehovah’s Witnesses, who
invariably walk slowly.
7. As God's witness to the heavenly beings.
8. As proof of my seriousness - not being
lukewarm.
9. To receive the needed help others can
give.
10. To give the help only I can give to
others.
11. To have life placed in perspective and
re-orientated (Psalms 5, 84): to formulate the week.
12. To experience the most joyful part of
worship: the Collection. (2 Corinthians 9v7)
13. To put my shoulder to the strength of
corporate prayer.
14. To keep in touch with the life of the
Church - hopefully.
15. To find out how my friends are.
16. To have communion with Christ and His
people at the Lord's Table.
17. To hear the reading of the infallible
Word of God.
18. To give and receive prophecies,
encouragement and healing.
19. To tell others my joys and sorrows.
20. Because I'm the Minister.
DENTIST JOKES
The favourite hymn of dentists:
“Crown him with many crowns.”
The astronomer’s comment to his dentist:
“Can you see any Black Holes?”
The Judge’s comment to his dentist:
“I want the tooth, the whole tooth, and
nothing but the tooth!”
The dentist’s question to the Trade Union
Secretary:
“Do you want, ‘One out all out’”?
Series
Twenty-three
SCHOOL TEACHER JOKES
“Watch the blackboard while I run through it
again!”
“If you don’t be quiet there will be trouble
with a capital D! (Detention)”
“Every time I open my mouth, some fool
speaks!”
“If you don’t stop talking, I will have you
for chewing in class (a piece of chewing gum was visible on a lower left
molar).”
“What are you reading under the desk?”
“It’s a Bible, Sir!” (It was a Religious
Studies Lesson.)
“You are looking for Revelation chapter 13.”
(One of those films about the Antichrist had recently been shown on
television.)
True: My Aunty Sylvia used to live close to
a gas works. She thought the air at the
seaside smelt funny.
An American family were due to return their
hire car to Shannon Airport, but they were hopelessly lost in the labyrinthine
roads of central Ireland. When they
asked the way, the old farmer replied: “Well if I were you, I wouldn’t start
from here.”
I met my girlfriend in the supermarket – and
asked if we could walk down the aisle together!
Series
Twenty-four
THE HUMOUR OF CHURCH NOTICEBOARDS, AND
NOTICES
From the Daily Mail and elsewhere
In the {Milton-Freewater Valley Herald} the
following retraction was printed: "The title of a program in last week's
paper should have been recorded as 'Our God Reigns.' It was inaccurately
recorded as 'Our God Resigns.' "
Don’t let worry kill you: let the church
help
Subject and Preacher:
“Know your enemy”
The Vicar
They may party in Hell; but you will be the
Barbeque!
Don’t give up!
Moses was once a Basket Case!
Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to
church!
Forbidden Fruit creates many jams.
Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Be as good a person as your pet believes you
are
If you don’t like the way you were born …
Try being Born Again
Seven days without prayer makes one weak
Redemption – God’s recycling plan
Give your troubles to God,
He’ll be up all night, anyway
Jesus is the Rock that doesn’t roll.
A wide mouth usually accompanies a narrow
mind.
Families are like FUDGE … mostly sweet, with
a few nuts
Good Friday, a bad day to bury Good News
The Road to Hell, with Canon J. John
Morning Service
“10 Virgins in Crisis”
Evening Missions Service
“What can one man do?”
“Thursday night there will be a bring and
share supper – there will be prayer and medication afterwards.
At the evening service tonight, the Sermon
topic will be “What is Hell like?” Come
early and listen to the Choir practice.
Series
Twenty-five
MORE HUMOUR OF CHURCH NOTICEBOARDS, AND
NOTICES
Weight Watchers will meet at 7.0pm at
Bromley Baptist Church, please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
Saturday, 9.30am, Prayer Meeting, Foe the
Life and Work of this Church
Bertha Belt, one of our Mission Partners
will be speaking at Camberly Free Evangelical Church; come tonight and hear
Bertha Belt all the way from Africa.
Deirdre Williams sadly is in hospital, and
is having trouble sleeping; she requests that someone bring her tapes of Pastor
Paul’s sermons to help.
The Youth Leader at an Anglican Church saw
the need for an authoritative talk on the facts of life, and Christian responsibility. The Vicar was only too willing to help. However, not wishing to write the word “Sex”
in his diary, he used the code word “Sailing”, being confident that he would
know what it meant. A day before the
talk, the Youth Group Leader phoned the Vicarage; but the Reverend was
out. His wife said she would check his
diary, to make sure he was booked for the talk. “I can’t think what he can say about that;
he has only tried it twice: the first time he was sick, and the second time his
hat blew off!”
“Prayer is the slender nerve which moves the
muscle of Omnipotence.” Quoted in a sermon
at Holy Trinity Brompton
“People are like teabags: you don’t know
what they are like inside, until you put them in hot water.” Rick Warren
We know that summer is here when we hear the
chirruping of the ‘lesser spotted burglar alarm’.
“We may not all sleep, but we will all be
changed.” This quotation from 1
Corinthians 15 verse 51, may not have been appropriate for the baby’s bedroom!
Do Theologians Communicate?
“Indeed, it is vital to remind ourselves
that these lavish gifts of ontological transformation, of pneumatological
resource and eschatological promise, cannot be co-opted by those who don't know
Jesus. These are his gifts to his people. Ultimately our hope lies in
relationship with Christ. The one who died for us is the one who lives in us.
The one who calls us is the one who pours his life into us. Christ is the hub
of it all.”
Mark Greene, Executive Director of the
London Institute of Contemporary Christianity; page 90, Christianity Magazine,
April 2008
News from abroad – Georgia, Central Asia
Since independence in 1991, interest in
spiritual things and the Christian faith in particular has increased greatly.
The former Department of Atheism at the national
university is now a theological faculty.
Pray for Revival in the Church, or you may
be upset and unprepared, when it happens.
St iPod II
Outward peace is not guaranteed: only inner
peace.
J. M. W. Turner, the famous British artist, toured through Lancashire
and Yorkshire in the nineteenth century, preparing for watercolours to be made later into
engraved illustrations.
On working on the engraving entitled “Wycliffe near Rokeby”, Turner
introduced a strong shaft of light, and a fleeing flock of geese. The symbolism was: “This is the place where
Wycliffe was born (John Wycliffe 1324-1384), and there is the light of the
glorious reformation.” And the geese:
“Oh, those – those are the old superstitions which the genius of the
Reformation is driving away.”
(Taken from the Catalogue (p 46) for the “Turner and Dr Whitaker”
exhibition at Towneley Hall, 1982)
Have you noticed that at the Resurrection,
the door of the empty tomb was left open?
Well He was born in a stable!
Series
Twenty-six
The young East Londoner had two equally
impressive girlfriends, Susan and Maria – which should he choose?
Being of a Roman Catholic background, he
decided to enter a church and pray – near the chancel steps. When he looked up, he saw what he took to be
the answer, written on a scroll in the stained glass: “’ave Maria”.
In the abbreviated language of texting,
there was a curious piece of dialect from my granddaughter: “do u want owt”
from the shops.
The organist at St Martin’s did not have
previous access to a loaned keyboard, when the congregation moved into the
parish hall. Unfortunately her heavy
music copy fell onto the machine, and “Praise my soul the King of Heaven” came
out as Rock n Roll.
I thought, at last we’ve moved into the new
century. They could not right it, and had to pull the plug out of the wall
socket.
A little boy knelt to pray one night, and
said: “Same as last night. Amen.”
Not a joke: when we read the Bible we should
note: Promises to claim, and Commands to obey.
How does King Wenslazlas like his
pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even!
The Office Manager rang: “How good were your
sales in summer?” “Wonderful,” came the
reply, but a colleague asked, “July?”
“No I told the truth.”
A Member was showing two Americans round the
House of Commons, when a friend called Neil came into view wearing his full
robes. “Hi, Neil!” called the
Member. The Americans fell to their
knees.
As a co-pilot entered the cockpit he greeted
“Hi, Jack!” The Control Tower called
out the armed security force.
What comes dark and steaming out of Cowes
every morning? The Isle of Wight ferry
on its way to Portsmouth.
A man was boasting in the Swiss Officers’
Mess about his new bride’s capabilities: whilst cooking a three course meal,
she could deal on the stock exchange, talk to her sister on the phone, and read
the newspaper. Marvellous what these
Swiss Army Wives can do (Swiss Army Knives).
The Vicar dreamt he was preaching a long
sermon; and woke-up to find he was.
Notice on a door: “Beware of the cat!” Will someone have, “Beware of the budgie”.
People who condemn the Church should
remember the saying: Don’t judge the Star by the Fan Club!
Series
Twenty-seven
"All happy families resemble one
another, every unhappy family is unhappy after its own way." Opening words of "Anna Karenina",
by Tolstoy
"When everything is effects, nothing is
effective." McNay, The Guardian.
"For evil to prevail, it only needs for
good men to be silent." Burke.
"When we pray, we say - Our Father,
which art in heaven – if you’d put that conker away I'd really appreciate
it!" School Christian Union quest
speaaker.
Psalm 137, Scottish Psalter
"And blessed shall that trooper be,
Who riding on his naggy,
Shall tak' tha' wee bairns by their taes,
And ding them on the craggy!"
A little girl was asked if she was afraid to
walk through the graveyard. Her reply:
"Oh no, my home is just on the other side."
R. Hudson Pope.
Canon Michael Green wrote that the Early
Church was: urgent, compassionate, flexible, open to the Spirit, lay
orientated, untroubled by buildings, mobile, dialectic, and communal. The Church today is: dilatory, indifferent,
rigid, man-centred, clerically dominated, building conscious, static, dogmatic,
and individualistic.
When the Pope criticised the prophets in the
paintings of the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo replied, that they were simple
people, who did not wear gold on their garments.
Most of the American astronauts were
involved in petty crime: James Irwin admitted taking 400 envelopes to frank, as
part of a private deal to make extra money.
"If you were accused of being a
Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"
Not a joke: Dr William Foxwell Albright,
described as the greatest living orientalist in his time, wrote: "Thanks
to modern research we can now recognise the Bible's substantial
historicity. The narratives of the
Patriarchs, of Moses and the Exodus, of the Conquest of Canaan, of the Judges,
the Monarchy, Exile and Restoration, have all been confirmed and illustrated to
an extent that I should have thought impossible forty years ago ... To sum up,
we can now again treat the Bible as an authentic document of religious
history."
If you cannot sleep at night, do not count
sheep - talk to the Shepherd.
God's plans for us cannot be improved upon.
Importunity knocks!
The Hall Porter at the Ritz Hotel, says that
the saddest man he ever saw, was also the richest!
Fact: There are 60,000 miles of veins,
capillaries and arteries, in the human body.
Because of language limitations, one verse
of the Eskimo Bible reads: There is much tail-wagging in the presence of the
angels, over one sinner who repents.
You might as well talk about a Dictionary
being produced in an explosion in a printing works, as talk about life being
made by chance.
The Princess, who kissed a frog and found a
Prince, had a head start on Evolution.
A Behavioural Psychologist tested an ape by
placing it in a room full of children's toys.
To find out its reaction, he placed his eye to the keyhole - the ape was
already looking through at him.
Snakes have vestigial legs.
Of the two testaments of the Bible: the New
is in the Old concealed, the Old is in the New revealed.
G. K. Chesterton said that people, who do
not believe in God, will not believe in nothing, they will believe anything.
Series
Twenty-eight, Jokes and Jottings
Karl Barth, the eminent Swiss theologian,
when an old man, was asked what his greatest discovery had been, he replied -
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so!"
The Dove is the only animal without a gall.
American Indian proverb: Do not judge a man,
until you have walked one Moon in his moccasins.
Absence Note to a boy's teacher: Glen was
with me yesterday. I took him to the
Zoo to see his cousins.
Two Irish jokes:
An Irish diver was making his way along the
seabed, when the captain of his ship called him on the intercom: I think you
had better come up, we're sinking!
An American was driving through an Irish
village, and stopped to ask the way: "Can you tell me where there is a
large Italianate mansion, built in the Palladian style?" The old Irishman thought for a long time and
then admitted that he could not. As he
drove down the street, the American noticed, in his driving mirror, that the
old man had been joined by a second aged citizen, and was vigorously waving him
back. He reversed and lowered his
window. The old man said, "I have
just asked my brother, and I thought you would like to know that he does not
know where it is either."
An eminent Moralist was quoted on the evils
of smoking - the whole symposium dissolved in laughter, when someone suggested
he was probably the type of person, who chain-smoked - he was!
In 1949, Willia McCarther (sic), a
38-year-old divorced mother of five, gave birth to Siamese twins - joined at
the crown of their heads. They were
given little hope of living and even less of ever walking. Willia said these remarkable words:
"God gave them to me, so I guess He'll show me the way to raise
them." After two years they were
allowed out of hospital. In order to
pay off the medical bills, Willia had to take them round as circus
exhibits. They did walk - with a
crab-like movement, had a great sense of humour, quite different characters,
became Gospel Singers, started a course to become children's nurses, and died
at the age of 43 this year/in 1993.
A young Jewish couple, who had recently
joined the Christian Faith, approached the local vicar, in their house-hunting
in a country parish. They returned home
after finding a suitable cottage, but had forgotten to check on the kind of
toilet it had.
They asked the vicar, by letter, to obtain
details. Unfortunately, the vicar
misunderstood the earthy connotation of WC, being a keen Church Historian, and
took it to mean Wesleyan Chapel; his reply was as follows.
Dear Friends,
Thank you for your letter. The nearest WC is twelve miles away, and
serves a radius of twenty-five miles.
Most people attend on Sundays, a few can attend during the week. In summer, many make a day out of it: taking
a picnic for the whole family.
The architecture is Modernised Gothic
Revival; the seating can take three hundred on plush seats, fifty on wooden
ones - there is room for another fifty standing. You will enjoy the fact that husbands and
wives sit together - not as in the Synagogue.
The minister has his own special Throne - an antique brought from the
nearby country home of Lord…
It is situated in the middle of the most
beautiful country – many enjoy the walk, but some travel by car or public
transport. There is often a queue at the
door - where sheets printed with the order of service are handed to
everyone. A single bell is tolled for
twenty minutes, once the door is unlocked.
Many linger for an hour or so - enjoying pleasant conversation.
It pains me, but I have not attended since I
arrived here six years ago, although my wife has a better record.
Yours faithfully
The Vicar.
Adapted from "Christian Crackers
4", Phil Mason
SERIES
TWENTY-NINE, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
"In the nineteenth century, from his
study of the Old and New Testaments Lord Ashley, the future [3rd] Earl of
Shaftesbury, an outstanding pioneer of social reform, became convinced that the
return of the Jews to Palestine was part of the divine plan. In 1839 he managed to persuade Lord
Palmerston, the Foreign Secretary [and later Prime Minister], that Palestine
should become a Jewish national homeland, with Jerusalem as its capital, under
Turkish rule but with British protection.
It was an extraordinary premature vision." (p 74, "The Guiness Legend",
Michele Guiness, Hodder and Stoughton, 1990)
One of my heroes is Professor Yigael Yadin,
archaeologist, politician and soldier.
He wrote of an experience, during the exploration of the caves of Shimeon
Bar-Kokhba: " ... we suddenly heard a roaring noise from the direction of
the canyon ... Simultaneously we heard shouts of joy from members of our team
who ran through the camp, shouting: 'Water in the Nahal Hever! A flood in Nahal Hever!' The skies above were blue and we could not
see even a tiny cloud. We ran to the
brink of the precipice and got there just when tons of gushing water from the
west had reached our area. The water
was the result of heavy rains that fell several hours earlier inland, near
Hebron and other parts of the country, while we in the desert had enjoyed a
beautiful dry day. We hurried further
west, about one kilometre closer to the Cave of Horrors, for a better view ...
Incredible quantities of water mixed with earth swept down towards the bottom
of the canyon, as if coming from nowhere ... enjoying the deafening noise of
the falling of water ... this phenomenon of nature."
"Bar-Kokhba", Yigael Yadin,
Weidenfeld and Nicolson, 1971, p 215
- A
young man turned to his girlfriend and said, “I would ask you to marry me,
but you might say yes.”
2. A
question was set in a General Studies, "A" Level paper, which
required the proving of the statistical fact, that a cup of wine drunk several
thousand years ago, contained so many molecules, that a cup drunk today,
anywhere in the World, would contain at least one molecule from it.
3.
From a Christmas cracker:
"Some people's minds are like concrete
- thoroughly mixed, and permanently set!"
4.
Church poster: "Love won
another."
5.
"I find it hard to believe God made the World in six days; I wonder
why it took him so long."
6.
"If you can't sleep at night, don't count the sheep, talk to the
Shepherd."
7.
"Importunity knocks!"
8.
Graffiti on an American university wall:
"God is dead, signed, Nietzsche."
In another hand:
"Nietzsche is dead, signed, God!"
9.
Notice over a kitchen sink:
"Divine service held here three times
daily."
10.
God's real blessing can only be on churches in a forward gear - so many
are in neutral or reverse.
11.
Archbishop Lefevre's young son was looking for a key on his father's
desk. He found a decorative Cross, and
asked, "Is this the key?"
"Yes, that is the key to everything."
12.
Go to the Psalmist: not the Palmist.
13.
"Do not pray for justice: you might get it." The character Eve, in "The Litchfield
Festival Play (1946)" by Dorothy L. Sayers
14. Only by intelligent design, have we seen
evolution from the stage coach to the Porsche
15. Patrick Moore, when asked about Astrology
replied: "Well it establishes a great scientific fact: that there is one
born every minute."
16. Payne Stewart, winner of the US Open,
was greatly influenced by this statement: "We're not in the Land of the
Living, going to the Land of the Dying; but we're in the Land of the Dying,
going to the Land of the Living."
17. God is the best friend you could ever
have: but He is the worst enemy.
18. Jesus found it easier to form the
Andromeda Galaxy, than to make a farm yoke in the carpenter's workshop.
19. On Post modernism: To say that there can
be no absolutes is in itself, an absolute.
20. If you think church members grumble, you
listen to football supporters.
21. In a graveyard south of Dublin:
Oh stranger pause as you go by;
As you are, so once was I,
As I am, so will you be,
So be prepared to follow me.
Someone had written below:
To follow you, I'd be content.
But hanged if I know which way you went.
22. If people do not sense their danger;
they will have no interest in the offer of escape.
23. Becoming a Christian is like pleading
guilty and throwing yourself on the mercy of the Court.
24. Not only do we spoil God's World by our
sin; but we require God to watch.
25. "Go into all the World and preach
the Gospel."
The Great Commission has become the Great
Omission.
26. "Stolen water is sweet"; but
it usually leads to dysentery.
27. A wealthy American paid for three
posters in his locality.
On highway hoardings: Which part of
"Thou shalt not" don't you understand? Signed God.
At a busy road junction: If you don't stop
using my Name in vain, I will make you wait longer. Signed God.
On very hot public transport: If you think
it's hot here ... Signed God.
28. Sometimes we cannot see the currents for
the waves.
29. I had an easy day today: bearing in mind
I signed-up for martyrdom.
Missionaries serving the Church in a South
American country devised THEIR ENGLES SCALE.
1. No
awareness of God.
2.
Some awareness of God.
3.
Awareness of Christians.
4. Contacts with Christians.
5.
Interest in Jesus Christ.
6.
Investigate Jesus.
7.
Grasp the truth about Jesus.
8.
Accept Christian truth.
9.
Awareness of personal need.
10.
Become a Christian.
SERIES
THIRTY JOKES AND JOTTINGS
“Jesus doesn’t come to rub it in; but to rub
it out.” Canon J. John
A local cloth producing firm does: “Dying
and Finishing”.
A Milnrow mill is called “Ellen Road
Yarns”. Is it a joke factory?
A farmer stood out for many years against
his bank manager’s persuasion to use a cheque account; eventually he gave-in. After a while he was heavily in debt to the
bank. The manager called him in and
remonstrated with him: that he owed the bank a large some of money. The farmer replied, “Don’t worry; I’ll write
you a cheque!”
A little boy arrived at school, and waited
for the Headmaster to arrive. He held
out a hand full of marbles – “You can have these sir.... My father says you have lost yours.”
A man had the habit of wearing a gold cross
in his lapel. One day the commuter train
was full and he found himself standing by a lady who asked him about it: “Does
that cross mean anything to you?” He
explained at length, and as they left the train she explained that she was a
Nun, but wanted the other passengers to hear the Message.
A new curate recorded one of his early
sermons, so he could measure its effect on the congregation. On Monday morning he sat down to listen to
his cassette recorder. He fell asleep.
An officer was inspecting troops, and
pointing his cane at the chest of soldiers, said, “There’s a scruffy man at the
end of this cane!” “Not at this end
Sir!” - came the reply.
A group of potential officer recruits were
marching to their billets. Two of were
in charge for the day. As they passed
two officers, to their left, the leaders gave the only order they could think
of: “Eyes right!” They looked the wrong
way, of course. This left the two
officers doubled-up with hysterics at the side of the road.
Have you noticed that the military Mess is
always in an immaculate condition of tidiness?
Whilst the Orderly Room, is the untidiest office you have ever seen.
When I took my daughter, and her infants’
school friend, to hear the Birmingham Symphony Orchestra, our seats were behind
the Brass Section – facing the audience.
The young Conductor brought in the Brass by raising his eyebrows and
looking in our direction. The two girls
were in hysterics, and several thousand people were entertained by my attempts
to keep them quiet!
At about the age of three, my daughter was
threateningly precociously able. In an
attempt to quell the advance, I asked her if she knew what
“antidisestablishmentarianism” was (this was the longest word I knew). Her reply: “I don’t have an auntie called
that!”
At a younger age, Florence was carrying her
down the staircase. As they past beneath
a low overhang, the mother suggested they “Duck”. The little girl’s response was “Quack,
quack!” The story earned us a fiscal
prize in a Mothers Magazine.
I realized that if I ever meet Her Majesty
the Queen, blowing my nose into a paper handkerchief could result in sending a
storm of paper snowflakes in her direction.
All is resolved: the last packet I bought is by Appointment to her
Majesty the Queen.
A Twitter to Rev Nicky Gumble addressed him
as “Nicky one jumper Gumble.”
SERIES
THIRTY-ONE, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
A true story from history:
The irrelevant rambling of his Court
Preacher annoyed King James the First to the point that the King shouted up to
the pulpit: “Either make sense, or come down out of that pulpit!” The preacher replied, “I will do neither!”
Roughly remembered
A rather troublesome boy visited the
Headmaster, before leaving to seek his fortune: “When I return to this school,
I will be a millionaire!” “When you
return to my school you will be trespassing!”
He did return to give his testimony to the
Christian Union, as he set out on a remarkable career in the Church.
The school received an anonymous phone call in
an Irish accent: “This is a bomb hoax!”
A man had ordered a birthday cake, and the
iced writing: “Happy 40th Birthday, and nothing under that.” Indeed, the confectioner wrote exactly what
the man had said!
One of our local Vicars was a racing
driver. He sometimes went to the White
House pub, at the top of Blackstone Edge, for a drink. “Would anyone like a lift into
Littleborough?” The unsuspecting
person, who accepted, would not forget the next five minutes of his life –
indeed he would be grateful to see his destination still in one piece.
A Headmistress’s friend of my Aunts told of
these two events.
The Reception Teacher asked if any child
could count. His Grandfather had taught
the little boy who answered. He
concluded: “Eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.”
A little boy gave his name as “Gooie”. No one believed him: but his sisters, and
even the boy’s mother confirmed the fact.
When the Head Mistress asked how to spell it, the truth came out:
“G-U-Y.”
President Lincoln practiced as a lawyer, and
had a wry sense of humour.
When accused of being “Twofaced,” he
replied, “Impossible, when you see the one I have now!”
He called an accused a soldier, to which the
man pointed out that he was an officer.
Lincoln continued: “Here is an officer, who is no soldier.”
Someone was watching a Royal Wedding on
television, and decided to change channels.
The sound said that the Archbishop of Canterbury was holding the
couples’ hands and saying … touch gloves and come out fighting.”
A Bishop was introducing an Australian
speaker, but unfortunately use the word “Antediluvian”; not “Antipodean”.
My neighbour asked about my wife’s
health. I pointed downwards.
“She
is down there … she’s in Australia, visiting relatives!”
A preacher said he would speak on the first
three words in his Bible; they happened to be: “Genuine Bonded Leather.”
A preacher wanting to emphasize the truth of
the Bible, said: “Even the leather is genuine!”
SERIES
THYIRTY-TWO, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
The little boy was sent to Sunday School
with two twenty pence coins: one for the collection and one for some sweets. En route
a coin fell down a drain, and he lost it. Later he told his mum about losing the coin
– “The one I lost was God’s.”
He thought his mother was practising to be a
ventriloquist; because she spoke to him though gritted teeth.
When asked his name, he told the teacher he
was called, “Billy Stop-it.”
Two attempts to bring the Church out of the
nineteenth century:
A cartoon showed what appeared to be a
normal east end of a church nave.
However, on close examination, the lectern, which is normally an Eagle;
was in fact a Pterodactyl!
A Youth Worker announcing a hymn said it was
from “Hymns Ancient and More Ancient”, not “Hymns Ancient and Modern”!
The Scottish Psalter, quite rightly, sets
the Psalms to music: they should be sung - it is the main hymnbook of the
Synagogue and the Church. The famous
Psalm 137, about the "Waters of Babylon ..." has the lines:
"And blessed shall that trooper be,
Who riding on his naggy;
Shall tak' tha' wee bairns by their taes,
And ding them on the craggy."
After my careful search in the city, a
reliable and honest Accountant was recommended: he was a Methodist, and by the
name of Mr Penny!
I was explaining to the Grandchildren the
details of Psalm 119, and asking them to calculate the number of verses in the
twenty-two, 8 verse alphabetical stanzas.
Unfortunately my correct answer came at the same moment that my wife
required an answer to, “How many roast potatoes do you want for dinner?” “176”!
My
Grandfather worked near the Leeds-Liverpool Canal, and made the following
observation. The Publican by the canal would place a few bottles of beer
on his low wall: in return he would have a yard-full of coal from the hold of
the barges. An old man nearby, placed some empty beer bottles on his low
wall. The bargees threw lumps of the black stuff at them - this yard also
filled with coal.
Italian Tomato Garden:
An old Italian living alone in Brighton
wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but, last year, it was very
difficult work because the ground was so hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in Lewes prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to dig over the whole
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot over for me, just like the old days.
Hope you are well.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that bit of the garden. You might come across something you won't
want to find!
Love,
Vinnie
At 4:30 am the next morning, twelve policeman
from the local nick arrived and took two days to dig up the entire garden. Of
course they found nothing, apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received a second letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
A man woke-up in the middle of the night in
great distress, when his wife asked him the cause, he explained. “God spoke to me in a dream – a nightmare –
He asked me to start living on ten times the amount I give to Him!”
A man asked his friend: “Do you know the two
greatest problems in the World?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care!”
“Quite right.”
Series
thirty-three, jokes and jottings
In the 1950’s Newcastle upon Tyne, we would
go on Sunday evenings, after church, to witness in the Big Market. The best pitch was on the steps of a large
decorative fountain, at the bottom end of the slope. Whilst we were in church, two elderly
atheists would bag this pitch, and hang a blackboard on the fountain. One evening it read: “God does not exist!”
and “God is a cruel ogre!”
I do not like spending money. When attractive men’s fashions appear, I am
reluctant to buy them. And so I have to
wait ten years, or so, until they appear in the charity shops.
Thoughts on looking in the mirror:
It could be worse
You are not in cabin 13 on the Titanic
You can still look
Yes, God does have a sense of humour
Yes, it is you
It will be better after the resurrection
The children were lined up
in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the
table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the
apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the
lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip
cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples."
What do you get, when you cross a sheep with
a mint?
Ba! Humbug
Knock, knock, who’s there?
Wenslazlas.
Wenslazlas who?
When’s the last train due?
Knock. Knock
Who’s there?
Rudolf
Rudolf who?
“The love of money is the root of all
evil!”
Life is like a tin of sardines: everybody is
looking for the key.
G. K. Chesterton said:
The trouble with being open-minded is that
your brains fall out!
A Schoolboy Joke: Did you hear about the fire in a soap
factory? The roof fell in with a
thickening sud!
At the time when King George the Sixth died,
the then Princess Elizabeth was about to visit a particular African tribe. Of course the visit had to be postponed, as
she had to return to Britain to eventually be installed as Queen Elizabeth the
Second.
The time came when she was, at last, able to
fulfil her appointment. The throne the
Chieftain had prepared, had been stored away; but unfortunately it had been
eaten to a state of serious damage, by termites. As the Tribal Chieftain said in his speech to
the Queen: “It all goes to prove that
people who live in grass houses, should not stow thrones!”
Archbishop John Habgood: “He who leads when
no one is following is merely going for a walk.”
Bishop of Norwich, Peter Nott: In our
diocese the secret of leadership is to find out which way people are wanting to
go, and place yourself in front of them!”
SERIES THIRTY-FOUR, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
The art of good leadership is to let people
chose what they would like, and let them have their way; but only if it’s what
you want.
Schoolboy joke: “Canada come out?”
“Alaska!”
Primary School teacher: “Listen to the
music, and dance round the room pretending to be an animal; as long as it’s not
an elephant!”
Mo Molam, Secretary of State for Northern
Ireland, and MP, had an audience with the Queen. In the middle of which, her mobile rang, and
she answered it. Her Majesty, who has a dry
sense of humour, said: “It must be somebody important!”
A wife criticised her husband by saying,
“You live on another planet – you’re on Venus!”
To which he replied: “No, your from Venus, I’m from Mars.”
A very new and enthusiastic North London
vicar was attempting to visit many of his parishioners. At one house he noticed a guitar in the hall,
and invited the fellow to join the music group at the church, if he could play,
and would like to. The next Sunday, the
Music Group Leader came into the vestry: “So who invited Eric Clapton to play
base guitar in the Music Group!”
Maxim: Never lend what you are not prepared
to lose.
One workman to his mate with the hammer:
“When I nod my head hit it.”
The father going for his siesta, “I’m just
going for my beauty sleep.” Cheeky son:
“I have to tell you, Dad - it’s not working.”
A poacher took his son out one night to help
keep watch. There was a low whistle, and
the man came close to the boy, “Where are they?” He pointed in all four directions; each time
the lad shook his head “Where?” The boy pointed to Heaven!
A “Christianity Magazine” article on modern
trends in Consumerism and Technology: “And don’t forget: the fall of Man
started with the foolish consumption of an apple product.”
[Actually, the Scriptures do not identify
the fruit eaten by Eve and Adam as an apple, and it has nothing to do with the
larynx cartilage.]
Abraham Lincoln comments vaguely remembered
“If all the people who fall asleep in church
on Sunday mornings were laid end to end, they would be far more comfortable.”
People say: “It’s good to be alive.”
The Holy Spirit says: “To be with Christ is
better by far!”
Philippians 1:23 “I am torn between the two:
I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.”
A little girl arrived home from school during a thunder storm, very wet:
“Do you know Mummy, God’s been taking my photograph using flash!” Mother might have said the thunder was God
moving His furniture.
A very young boy arrived home from school: “Do you know Mummy, Miss
really likes me now: she put six crosses on my page of sums!”
SERIES THIRTY-FIVE, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
True: Chris was looking after a
‘friend’s’ pet rabbit, when she noticed that a neighbour’s pit bull terrier had broken into the garden and into the rabbit’s
hutch. She stormed to the neighbour’s and hammered on their
door. They went round to look. The door was indeed broken open; but both
animals were curled-up together in the hutch.
When a new photograph of me arrived, I said
it made me look an amiable approachable fellow.
My wife collapsed with uncontrollable
laughter.
I visited a Religious Studies class in
Rochdale: the children were making displays of religious buildings. From a weekend supplement, one Muslim child
had cut out the Brighton Pavilion!
I was on a walking and public transport holiday
to the Delemere Forest, The Wirral and The Lady Lever Gallery. My phone call home: about where I was dining
and staying ran: “The hotel is called the Marie Celeste, there is no-one about,
it seems deserted.” (It was in Parkgate, on the corner of the road along the
front joining one from Neston. It is now an Indian restaurant.)
The
three young children asked Granddad if he could croak like a frog. He asked them the reason. “Daddy says we can
go on a skiing holiday when Granddad croaks,” they replied.
The Irishman was asked the test question:
“What does a single yellow line indicate?”
“You cannot park at all.” “What
about a double yellow line?” “You cannot
park at all, at all!”
A friend, who was an eminent Professor of
Medicine, and brilliant speaker, told me this story. The city association of psychologists invited
him to address their annual dinner. He
commented, over the phone: “I suppose they all have beards and wear red
waistcoats!”
To his amazement, many of them did!
I once worked with a man who had been a
famous rugby player, and became Headmaster of a school for boys, in the 1970’s,
where he was expected the use the cane.
He did not disappoint, and the northern mill town lads gave him the
sobriety of Instant Wipp – the name of a make of custard. My friend, Roger Carswell, who taught there,
had a cane in his classroom. One day,
when a boy needed to be punished, Mr Carswell brought him to the front of the
class. “You deserve the cane; but are
you willing for me to be punished instead?”
The boy could not believe his good fortune. Carswell bent over the desk and the boy gave
him the resounding whacks of the century.
In some pain Roger made the point: “Now you understand what Jesus was
doing when He died for you on the Cross of Calvary!” Many of us remember that incident well.
Mike Barry is an academic expert in
dialects. As a student he was
researching the speech of a south country farmer, using a tape recorder. The farmer was willing to hear this new-fangled
machine work. So Mike played the
recording back to him: “E, that fellow he talk a lot of sense, he do!”
What I reckon to be the funniest true story
I know:
In a New York theatre, a company had reached
the Dress Rehearsal of “Tosca”.
Unfortunately, the soprano - who sang the final dramatic aria, before
throwing herself off the tower of the Castel S. Angelo into the River Tiber,
had fallen foul of the stage crew, by her continual high-handedness and
arrogance.
At this final rehearsal, with a full
audience, the stagehands were ready for her.
She climbed the steps of the tower, and threw herself off the
battlements: expecting to land on a large pile of mattresses. Instead the opera singer landed on a
trampoline. It is estimated that she
reappeared a total of six times – in various positions: sometimes upside-down,
sometimes laughing uncontrollably, occasionally cursing the air blue.
The audience were beside themselves, and she
had to withdraw from the cast; in case the event was expected to be repeated
every night.
SERIES THIRTY-SIX, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
An evangelist was making the point that all
people have sinned: “There is no-one who is perfect – do you know anybody who
is?” “Yes!” shouted a man at the back:
“My wife’s first husband.”
At an officer’s training establishment, the
recruits had to record a speech, and hear it played back. One young man fainted when he heard his own
voice.
The husband was told that, if he wanted his
wife to respect him like a king, then he should treat her like a queen. As he said, after trying it: “She still looks
on me as the butler!”
An advert in a Northern Ireland newspaper
offered a guillotine for sale. The
vendor wished to encourage children’s work in the church, and so the notice
said: “Guillotine for sale; especially suitable for use with children.”
A suggested answer phone reply:
For me, press one,
For my wife, press two
For Lucy, press three
For Jamie, press four
To record a message, press five
If you have rung the wrong number, you
probably intended the local Pizza supplier, which has almost the same number,
press six.
Thank you for calling, your message is
important to us….
Comedian One, is answering the phone:
“You don’t say…. You don’t say…. You don’t say….”
Comedian Two, “Who was it?”
Comedian One, “He didn’t say!”
The story is told of a little old Scottish
Grandmother who had to make a frightening trip to attend a family event in
America.
She flew alone in great fear, stayed in New
York – afraid to venture out. In the
hotel she experienced total anxiety.
Eventually the old lady had to brave a trip in the lift for the evening
meal. She was alone in the elevator
until the very last moment, as the doors closed two large Negroes burst
in. “Hit the ground!” one of them
shouted. She fell to the floor shaking
with fear. The men laughed, “I was
asking him to press the button for the Ground Floor!”
The next morning she came to Reception to
settle her account. “Your bill has been
paid,” she was told. The note is signed:
The two men in the lift, Will Smith.
[Will Smith is a world famous actor.]
The winning joke at the Edinburgh Fringe,
2011-08-25
I needed a password eight characters long,
so I chose “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”.
Teacher: What are you going to do when you
leave school?
Scholar: Celebrate!
The father and a large family arrived at the
airport to start their holiday. The wife
observed that they had rather a large amount of luggage. “Yes, I wish we had brought the sideboard, as
well!” When asked why. He replied: “ I left our tickets and Passports
on it!”
SERIES THIRTY-SEVEN, JOKES AND THOUGHTS
What to say when suddenly confronted by a TV
cameraman operating his equipment: “Do not adjust your set!”
We had a particularly obnoxious Head Master
at Primary School called “Pip” Walker – his brothers were, according to popular
mythology, called “Squeak” and “Whistle”.
One day he became so angry in our classroom that his false teeth jumped
out. All credit to him, he caught them.
My Grandfather probably attended the same
school, fifty years earlier. One day a
boy threw his writing slate at the back of the Teacher’s head – it missed, and
stuck in the blackboard. Grandfather
stood up and promptly knocked the boy unconscious. When the Headmaster came to investigate the
incident, he said, “Well done, Wilkinson!”
When my son was a little boy, he reached
down at the side of the bus seat, and pulled up a set of false teeth.
A man apparently wrote to the Inland Revenue
Tax Office, along these lines:
I have become a Christian, and I cannot
sleep at night … I must send you £125.50 that I owe in tax. If I still cannot sleep, I will send you the
rest.
My computer screen had a title: “Short Cut
to Heaven”.
Bible College Principal:
Morning service, based on ‘As the deer pants
for the water brooks’, “God wants your
pants!”
A student saw the word ‘Hallelujah’ written
in the margin of his essay. Was the
Principal moved to praise? No it was a
spelling correction!
In the stage set of a popular opera,
cannonballs high on the staircase of the castle were actually footballs painted
black. At some point they became
dislodged and bounced down to the front of the stage. This was much to the amusement of the
audience.
Peter Ustinov took a young member of his
family to see the inevitably long performance of a Wagner opera, at the
Tel-Aviv open-air theatre. The young
person was well instructed to behave himself.
Eventually the many animals involved in the production – an elephant,
donkeys, giraffes, etc, had left the stage awash with their droppings. “Can I laugh yet?” the young man asked
Looking rather like Santa Claus, and been
asked to ‘stand in’ for him, has led to many interesting experiences.
In a prison for men
I asked the governor what he wanted for
Christmas (you get rather carried away in the part). The Prison Officers around him joined in the
chorus: “Early retirement!”
To the Roman Catholic Chaplain: “You do
realize I am one of your Bishops!” (St Nicholas was the 4th Century
Bishop of Mira)
“Why do you want a Magicians Set for
Christmas?” Reply: “To make my brother
disappear.”
I passed two older teenagers kicking a ball
about in the street, and sensed I was in for trouble. I was nicely beyond them when I heard,
quietly: “I want an aeroplane.”
“That’s not Santa, that’s Dougie!”
(Next-door neighbour’s child)
The Anglican Chaplain was particularly
talented: he knew the children who would be visiting the Men’s Prison, but he
trusted them to choose the right present he had selected for them at the
warehouse. All went well until a boy
picked a mauve coloured lady’s bathroom set (talcum powder, bath oils,
etc). “Why have you chosen that?” asked
the Chaplain. “To give to my Mum on
Christmas Day,” came the moving reply.
What a joy to see a mature prisoner and his
son, pushing a large red fire-engine across the floor to each other, for most
of the visiting time.
I think some of the inmates envied my
disguise as a cover for an escape.
The children in my street were fascinated
when I arrived home in my red uniform.
SERIES THIRTY-EIGHT
One of the new intake classes was testing me
to see how far they could go with misbehaviour.
I selected one boy to be made to stand outside the classroom door. As the Head Master did not like scholars
being out of the class, I waited only a few minutes, before – keeping my eyes
on the class – I reached out of the open door to find the tie of the boy, and
drag him back inside. The whole class
dissolved in laughter: Mr Ashworth had found the boy in the corridor, and lectured
him on good behaviour – it was my good friend Mr Ashworth, who was dragged in
by his tie!
As a little girl at school, my daughter had
to ask the teacher how to spell Unit. “U
nit,” came the unthoughout reply.
His friend asked a solicitor, if he could
act on his behalf. “Yes, of course,” he
replied.
“How much do you charge?” So many dollars for the first three
questions, he was told. “What is your third question?”
The wife was following my friend Ray home
from church down a narrow lane. Suddenly
he braked. Another car, following close
behind, ran into the wife’s car. The
wife angrily jumped out, and told the driver of the third car she was going to
call the police. “We are police,” came
the reply.
The man said: “I’ll take my chance with the
thief on the Cross.” “Which one?” the evangelist
replied.
One of the funniest episodes of “Dad’s Army”
told the story of the Home Guard platoon guarding the crew of a Nazi submarine
crew. Private Pike sang a rather
insulting ditty about Adolf Hitler. The U-boat commander threatened to write this
infringement in his little black book: “What is your name boy?” he
shouted. Captain Manwaring interposed:
“Don’t tell him Pike!”
A local Registrar told me of his Aunt who
knocked ten years off her age, so that she would be more eligible for a
marriage suitor. This in fact meant that
she never drew her Old Age Pension.
A vicar had a rather important service to
take, regarding finance, and so was disappointed to find a stand-in organist on
duty. He explained the need for extra
finances, and would all who would donate to the special fund to stand, whilst
the music played for a few minutes. The
new organist struck-up the National Anthem!
A little boy was awakened by the broken
grandfather clock striking 15. He jumped
out of bed, and ran to his Mother: “Mummy, Mummy, its later than it’s ever been
before!”
John Ortberg has written several books with
humorous titles:
“Everybody’s
normal ‘till you get to know them”
“If
you want to walk on water, you’ve got to get out of the boat”
“When the game is
over, it all goes back in the box”.
In a talk about the greatness of Jesus, he
pointed out that we name our children after the Disciples: Mary, Elizabeth,
Peter, James, Paul; but our dogs after: Satan, Caesar, and Nero.
SERIES THIRTY-NINE, Jottings and jokes
Waiters and Menus can be a source of
amusement.
On a walking holiday we were staying an
hotel, which was far too expensive for us, but the only one for miles, I came
to order Breakfast: “Could I have partridge, please.”
“I’m
sorry Sir, they are out of season.”
Working my way down the menu: “Oh, I’ll try
trout.”
“I
am sorry Sir, the rivers are polluted.”
The end result was a delightful breakfast
of: Poached Egg on Finnan Haddock.
At a pleasant Victorian style café in
Wakefield
“You are too late for Breakfast, Madam.”
“Bacon sandwich with an egg – we have run
out of eggs.”
“Smoked salmon and Pea Risotto?” “We have not had that on the menu for ages!”
“Jacket Potato?” “We have no potatoes.”
“Would it be easier, if you told us what you
do have?” This was all in good humour.
When an atheist hears someone sneeze, does
he say, “Curse you!”
If young family member’s room is untidy, you
can encourage them by saying: “The ceiling is very tidy!”
A young scholar from Pakistan had just
opened a Bible and glanced through it quickly: “It reads like a love story –
there’s ‘love’ on every page!”
BE CAREFUL HOW YOU SAY IT!
After severe gale damage, do not tell your neighbour that
he has a slate missing.
In a café, do not say you feel like a
cucumber sandwich – how do cucumber sandwiches feel.
To an inquisitive person: “Can you keep a
secret?” Enthusiastic, “Yes!” Reply: “So can I.” [Not always appreciated.]
“It is not a new hairdresser you need, it is
a solicitor.”
“Is that smell your perfume, or have you been
using fly spray?”
Do not burst out coughing loudly behind
someone trying out a perfume in a pharmacy.
Is your perfume a derivative of nerve gas?
My granddaughter’s joke: Iron Man is really
a Fe. Male!
SERIES FORTY, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
If everyone jumped into the Dock, I would
give-in to peer/pier pressure.
I took offence at the hairdresser: he said
“Curl-up and dye?”
My bin goes out more often than I do.
Youth worker’s joke: A butcher says he will
give a reward if a customer can reach a piece of meat hanging from some high
hooks. Reply: “Sorry the steaks/stakes
are too high.”
In the days of National Service, the young
airmen were often invited to homes, after church services, for a cup of tea or
a meal. One such young man was of a mind
to ask God for guidance about finding a wife.
He noticed that when asked if he would like a second cup of tea, and he
requested only a half-cup, he was inevitably given a full one. If a young lady gave him his request, she
might just be the right one. This did
indeed happen. When they had been
married for some weeks, he told about the guidance, and his beautiful young
wife replied: “Yes, I’m so sorry; there was only a drop left in the teapot!”
Insurance claims connected with travel:
A bride’s dream Caribbean wedding was ruined
after her dress caught fire by the barbecue.
The groom picked up his wife and threw her into the sea, to put it out.
Two holidaymakers in Devon filed a claim for
damage to the paintwork of their car, after it had been licked by a herd of
cows.
Two children in Cornwall buried their
parents’ video camera in the sand, to prevent it from being stolen, when they
went swimming. But they could not
remember where.
A young British traveller, distracted by the
appearance of a group of women in bikinis, broke his nose when he walked into a
bus shelter in Athens.
A pensioner, whose false teeth fell out as
he vomited over the side of the cruise ship, put in a claim to the travel
insurers for some new dentures, under the heading of “Lost Baggage”.
The US Government Peace Corps Manual, for
volunteers working in the Amazonian jungle, details what to do if an anaconda
attacks you. Related to the boa
constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the World – it grows
to thirty-five feet in length, and weighs between three to four hundred pounds.
- If
this snake attacks you, do not run – as the snake travels faster than you.
- Lie
flat on the ground and put your arms tight against your side, and your
legs tight against one-another.
- Tuck
your chin in
- The
snake will begin to nudge and then climb over your body.
- Do
not panic.
- After
the anaconda has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet
end – always from the feet end.
Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles – do not panic.
- The
snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body; you must lie
perfectly still. This will take a
long time.
- When
the snake has reached your knees, slowly, and with as little movement as
possible, reach down and take your knife, and very gently slide it into
the side of the anaconda’s mouth, between the edge of its mouth and your
leg; then suddenly rip upwards: severing the snake’s head.
- Be
sure you have your knife.
- Be
sure your knife is sharp.
The Bible says love your neighbours and love
your enemies: probably because they are usually the same people.
What would you do if your herd of cattle had
been frozen-near-to-death in cold weather?
“I’d send for the TV personality Thora Herd!”
My doctor prescribed some pain killing
tablets in case the Allopurinol did not work for my gout. It struck me that I should read the details,
which were included in the packet. They
warned that my breasts might swell and start lactating – producing milk. I quickly rang the chemist. He panicked!
He would have the correct prescription at my door within fifteen
minutes. Was I going to report him for
his serious mistake? “No. You have given me such a good story – don’t
worry!” Both types were torpedo-shaped,
and coloured half in Venetian red and half in Naples yellow.
SERIES FORTY-ONE, JOKES AND JOTTINGS
A 252 was the number of the form on which
charges were written in the Forces.
Never wanting to be put on a 252, my friend quaked when he announced
hymn number 252, when leading worship.
On explaining to my very young granddaughter
the dangers of not drying one’s hand properly in cold weather, I said or Jack
Frost will bight. I will never forget
the withering look – surely you don’t believe in Jack Frost, do you?
I was handing round various kinds of
sandwiches. As I held one plate to a
friend the words came out: “Egg, Bert?”
There was the crewmember, who entered the
cockpit of an airliner with the words: “Hi! Jack.” The rapid response team were there in
minutes: guns at the ready.
There are two obvious forms of humour:
hyperbole (exaggeration), and the unexpected.
Jesus tended to use both in His parables. I was surprised when a Bangladeshi friend
used the word “Hyperbolic.” I had never
used the word – “Surely you have been to university?” “Yes.
I have a Master’s Degree in Shakespearian Literature.”
Rev Miles Toulmin, of Holy Trinity Brompton, set off from
the Focus Holiday Week in Lincolnshire, to travel with his young family to
their home in London. He was mystified
when his Sat-Nav led him to first of all leave the major road for a minor, then
to a narrow country lane, and finally into a field. He suspected that something was wrong – this
was not the quickest motorway route. He
and his wife examined the settings on the instrument: the source and target of
their journey were correct; it was the means of travel, which was wrong: not by
car, but on foot!
The preacher worries about he will start his sermon; the
congregation about how he will stop.
A lecture at the Christian Resources exhibition: How to
preach for half an hour and make it seem like 10 minutes. The reverse is sometimes true: How to preach
for ten minutes, and make it seem like 30.
You have to know how the Alpha Course is run – An Alpha
Organizer in Zimbabwe said he found it hard to find a wife. Every time he found a suitable lady, he knelt
down and said, “Will you marry me?” She
always replied: “Now that’s a really interesting question, what do we all
think?”
Interesting commercial names: “Hair and Hounds”, dog grooming,
and
“Head Master” – hairdresser
The thirteen year olds started their year by studying from
Genesis chapter one, and reaching into Exodus by the springtime. We had been reading about the Burning Bush,
in Exodus 3. As I came to my home, at
teatime, in the country lane beyond my house there was a bush, by the side of
the road on fire; quite an unnerving experience – it was disintegrating. A stray fag-end from a passing car driver?
Schoolboy joke: She is a suicide blond: dyed by her own
hand.
Listed in a census under Residence:
Private House
Private House
Private House
Cemetery!
“On Ilkley Moor ‘bah tat” was sung to a hymn tune by a
church choir on an outing. “While
shepherds watch their flocks by night” fits it well. Ilkley people were annoyed for many years by
diesel train drivers playing the opening notes using the hooters, as they drove
along Wharfedale. The line is now
electrified.
SERIES FORTY-TWO, JOKES AND NOTES
Newspaper articles and adverts may well outdo Church
magazines:
Get 50% off, or half price, whichever is less.
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off
significantly after age 25
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Question: What is a millionaire?
Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million,
according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of
investments at AG Edwards and Sons.
One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.
ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS
An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing
after being painted with camouflage.
Police are seeking public help to find the four-wheel drive.
ALTON ATTORNEY ACCIDENTLY SUES HIMSELF
COUNTY TO PAY $250,000 TO ADVERTISE LACK OF FUNDS
CASKETS WERE FOUND AS WORKERS DEMOLISH MAUSOLEUM
UTAH POISON CONTROL CENTRE REMINDS EVERYONE NOT TO TAKE
POISON
FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUNSHOP, FIND WEAPONS
2.58 p.m. The Learning Centre on Hanson Street reports a
man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the centre; making
parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
DOG ATTACK
Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs
attacking ducks at about 11.20 a.m. Sunday.
The officer cited a
resident for the loose dogs. The ducks
refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.
Police checked the area and found an open door in the back
of the building. An officer went inside
and called out, “Marco.”
The man’s name was
not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said, “The officer was trying to inject some
humour into the situation.”
Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”
Notice at Whalley Abbey: Dogs must be lead.
True: A man was in his newsagents paying for morning
papers. He asked about puzzle books: did
women or men tend to buy them. As he
expected: ladies were the main customers for them. His explanation being that men had plenty to
puzzle over with their wives, whereas women could easily figure-out their
husbands.
True: A man was greeted in a church bookshop with the
words, “Where do you worship?” He
replied that he worshipped: on trains, walking along the street, driving along
the motorway, at football matches, at home …
and in his local church services.
SERIES FORTY-THREE, JOKES AND THOUGHTS
One of the school staff was keen on amateur dramatics: he
needed a skeleton, and borrowed the specimen from the Biology Department. The only way to transport it safely was
strapped into the passenger seat of his car.
He received many strange looks.
What did the tie say to the bowler hat? “I’ll hang around here, while you go on
ahead!”
When the aged man went to the Hairdressers, he was asked
what he wanted. “A search and cut,
please!”
Shop Assistant: “You look like Santa Claus.”
Aged man with white beard: “Shhh! I’m travelling incognito.”
His mother had given him two 20p coins: one for the
collection at church, the other for sweets.
One of them slipped out of his hand and was lost down a grating. He bought the sweets, and explained that it
was God’s twenty pence that was lost.
In one of the most challenging evangelistic sermons there
was quite a lot of humour, at the beginning.
David had a very thin brother at the battle with the
Philistines: He was so thin that when he stuck his tongue out, he looked like a
zip fastener. He was so thin that he
only had one stripe in his pyjamas. He
was so thin that he had to run round in the shower to get wet. Goliath died
saying, “Nothing like this has ever entered my head before.”
His mother took a little boy to a wedding. When the Vicar appeared, the boy cried out,
“Look there’s Batman!”
A young Methodist Minister, in Horsforth, was sitting in
his study at the Chapel, when an attractive young lady knocked and entered,
with the question: “Will you marry me?”
His mind quickly adjusted to his position as a Minister able to
solemnize weddings.
Sell ice cream while the sun shines.
A train in the station is worth two on the timetable.
Serious: Jesus calls us to follow Him – there is no kind
of hardship that he has not endured.
The art tutor said, in desperation to the Christian
student, “Even if we gave you the ‘Cricket’, you’d give it a Christian
meaning!” Quick as a flash, he replied:
“Peter stood up with the Eleven, and was bold (bowled).”
Who was the first businessman in the Bible? Noah: when the World became solvent, he
floated a limited company.
Who rode a motorbike in the Bible? Moses: the sound of his Triumph was heard in
the camp.
Who was the largest woman in the Bible? The woman of
Samaria (sum area)
I pulled into a Lake District car park in my old Sunbeam
Rapier. The family piled out, and saw a
lady feeding the beginning of a large bar of chocolate to some peacocks. Her husband called for her, from his Jaguar,
to hurry-up. She passed the bar of
chocolate to my three-year old son. He watched
until the car was out of the car park.
You can guess the rest – the peacocks went hungry.
An enterprising teacher gave her class the first half of
proverbs, and asked them to suggest a completion.
Strike while the … the bug is close
Never underestimate the power of … termites
Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
No news is … impossible
A miss is as good as a … Mr
You can’t teach an old dog … new Math(s)
Love all. Trust …
me
The pen is mightier than the … pigs
The idle mind is … the best way to relax
Where there’s smoke, there’s … pollution
A penny saved is … not much
Laugh and the whole World laughs with you, cry and … you
have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as … Steve Wonder
Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded
If you don’t at first succeed … get new batteries
You get out of something, only what … you see in the
picture on the box
When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way
A member of music group playing in Wales wanted to impress
his new local girlfriend, so he asked a Welsh friend to teach him how to say
goodnight, romantically. When they came
to part for the evening, he looked into her eyes and said, in Welsh: “Fruit
cake.”
Before telephones were in general use, a Vicar went into
the city to order the Christmas Banner. Because he forgot the details his
telegram to his wife drew a reply causing consternation in the Post Office:
Unto us a son is born, six feet long and three feet wide.
A talented Magician earned a good living by performing on
expensive cruise ships. But on one, the Captain owned a parrot, which kept
calling out things like: “It’s up his sleeve,” “Look under the table cloth,” “His assistant
has it in a bag.” Tragically the ship
sank, and the Magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a life
raft. After three days, the parrot
spoke, “Alright, I give up, where have you hidden the ship?”
Their cat found a funeral urn which had contained ashes,
broken on the floor, and used it as a litter tray!
A Clergyman was
being interviewed for a higher post, but the question of his
singleness arose. The senior lady academic asked, “And what about
marriage?”
His reply: “I
think we should get to know each other better, first.”
The lady left the
interview for the common room – after a few seconds, there was a
laud burst of laughter.
I was moved
briefly to a major hospital for a complex investigation. I had a
pleasant chat with the Chaplain – could he tell my Vicar that was
unavailable to read the lesson tomorrow. He agreed and left saying
that he would see me again. I told that I might not be here. He
replied that he was sorry, he did not realise it was so serious. “No,
I will be moving back to my local hospital.”
The retired
teacher was trying to comfort a nervous scholar about to go on a
school camp at Robin Wood. “Don’t worry its right up your
street.” When they met some time after, the boy complained: “I
had a good check and it’s nowhere near my street, they are miles
apart.”
An elderly man
checked the Obituary in his local paper, and was horrified to see his
own death mentioned. He phoned a friend who had been equally shocked.
“By the way, where are you ringing from?”
Canon White’s
jokes: YOU KNOW IT IS A BAD DAY WHEN –
Your twin sister
forgets your birthday.
Your water bed
leaks ... but you don’t have one.
You put both
contact lenses in the same eye.
The TV newscaster
is giving escape routes from your street.
Your car horn
sticks ON, and you are following a crowd of Hell’s Angels.
Neil, a Member of
Parliament, was showing three friends round the House of Commons,
when a fully robed Peer stepped out in front of them, and to called
his acquaintance, “Neil!” The three friends immediately fell to
their knees.
An elderly lady
was being a nuisance in a camping shop: “What is the mirror behind
the compass needle for?” “That’s to show you who is lost!”
I was preaching
in Worth Baptist Church in Yorkshire. The hymn was announced, and the
organist played the music of a verse, followed by the first note. But
before the congregation could sing it, an ice cream van sounded its
jingle and completely threw them.
At the same
place, from the pulpit I could see the shape of a boy climbing up
behind the half pane of frosted glass in a side window. As his face
came over the top, he found himself staring into my eyes, and
promptly fell off the window sill.
In ordering from
a catalogue over the phone, the lady taking my order wished to show
gentleness in dealing with an elderly man. In taking the Debit Card
lengthy details, she eventually asked, “And what is your expiry
date?” “I have no idea ... but I am looking forward to it.”
She wont ask anyone that again; but it did give me a good story.
I was prescribed
a strong pain killer until my gout was taken under control. It
occurred to me, unusually, to read the leaflet in the box. “Your
breasts might swell, and you might start lactating ....” I had
been given the wrong tablets! The Pharmacist was crestfallen. He
would be with me within minutes with the safe ones; was I going to
report him? No, I assured, I have such a good joke to tell. It was a
easy mistake: both tablets were torpedo shaped, and coloured Indian
Red and Naples Yellow.
If you asked,
“Are you all right?”, my Auntie Clara would invariably reply,
“Only up to the middle, and then I’m left.”
The young man
turned to his girlfriend, and said, “I would ask you to marry me,
but you might say yes.”
An optimist
golfer cannot find the ball he has hit from the tee on a par three,
so he looks in the hole.
A pessimist
golfer cannot see where his ball has gone, so he tees-up a second.
Professor Albert
Einstein was asked by the train ticket Inspector for his ticket; he
rummaged about could not find. “Don’t worry I know who you are Dr
Einstein.” Several times he passed by and the Doctor was always
searching. “I told you not to worry.” “But I need to know where
I am going!”
The Headmistress
asked the new boy his name. “Goo’i”, came the reply. The boy’s
sister agreed. Finally the mother confirmed the name. When asked to
spell it, the mother said, “G U Y .”
At the same
school, a master asked if any of the new intake could count. A boy
had been taught by his granddad: “One, two .... nine, ten, Jack,
Queen, King!”
At the beautiful
municipal golf course I would tee-off at the first; from a cliff on
the edge of a quarry, filled with brambles and saplings. One morning,
after ignoring the hazards, I could not find my ball in the
undergrowth, but found another one, covered in red paint. So I played
on with it. The second fairway was level, but the third was a par
three, downhill, without much grass. I could not find the ball, so I
asked two ladies who were teeing-off. “That was not your ball, it
was mine,” one replied. This gave me the wonderful line:” Didn’t
you think it strange, that you lost it on the first, and it caught
you up at the third!” They were not amused.
I was handing out
church invites by the lake; as one lady walked on, she said, “Bye
Darling, see you tomorrow!” I was framing my reply, “Not if I see
you first ....”, when I realised, she was talking to someone on her
mobile phone!
An Australian
Prime Minister was on a visit to an Old People’s Home. He asked an
elderly lady, “Do you know who I am?” “No I don’t, but if you
go to the front desk, they will tell you. They know everybody staying
here.”
When posted to
Air Traffic Control the standard joke was played successfully on me:
“Where do you live?” “The link trainer goes there at
weekends.”What is it like? Well it has the tail of a Tiger Moth,
nose of a Mosquito, cockpit of a Lancaster ...” Actually it was a
small dummy electrically operated training device in a classroom.
Eventually the penny dropped for me, and I continued to let them
think I was conned.
The speakers and
senior members of Christian Brethren fellowships used to wear black
jackets and pin-stripe trousers. The husband invited the speaker home
for lunch. The displeased wife thought she saw her husband bending
down in the cloakroom, and gave him a hearty kick – “That’s for
inviting the speaker for lunch.” It was the speaker!
The seating in
the Brethren Assembly consisted of wooden forms with metal supports,
set in from the ends. The person at one end stood quickly for the
final hymn – resulting in the worshipper at the other end being
slid to the floor. The hymn: “Too soon we rise,” brought the
congregation to hysterics.
We had a dog
which ran to hide when it heard the words, “Walkies!” Testing
whether creatures understand the general impression of our speech, I
tried it on the sparrows in the hedge: assuring them of their welcome
in my garden. Inviting them to sing for me, they regularly come when
I stand at the door. “I will sing for you!” When I started, they
fled.
Subtitles on the
TV screen are a constant source of jokes. The nation of Qatar became
Catarrh,
Rabbits became
Rapids
School teacher to
scholar: I must have told you a million times not to exaggerate.
Mother: What did
you learn about at Bible Class?
Little boy: We
sang about a boy who stole an old man's watch.
The old man meek
and mild,
The priest of
Israel slept.
His watch the
Temple child,
The little Levi
kept.
An American
driving in Ireland was lost so he stopped to ask the way.
The reply: “Well,
I wouldn't start from here,”
